Funny

"There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis. This was not one of those times."

"A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames."

"Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies."

"She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up."

"Jem gave her a wistful look. “Must you go? I was rather hoping that you’d stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must.” “I’ll stay,” Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. “I can minister angelically.” “None too convincingly. And you’re not as pretty to look at as Tessa is,” Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow. “How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared it to gazing at the radiance of the sun.” Jem still had his eyes closed. “If they mean that it gives you a headache, they aren’t wrong."

"Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?”“In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up."

"She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim."

"Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

"I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering."

"I was feeling the height of bitchiness."

"Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple."Ah, well, I'm not sure I believe that."

"Maxon: “To be clear, no one agrees with you.”America: “To be clear, I don’t care."

"I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he's going to come back and want our first-born child or something."Daemon waggled his brows. "You want kids? Because you know, practice makes--"Shut up." I shook my head and started walking."

"Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was."

"I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are."

"You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever."

"This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!"

"The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one."

"Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon."Daemon's grin went up a notch. "Nah, she likes my ass too much for that."