Funny

"God will break California from the surface of the continent like someone breaking off a piece of chocolate. It will become its own floating paradise of underweight movie stars and dot-commers, like a fat-free Atlantis with superfast Wi-Fi."

"The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les."

"don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male"

"Actually, I came because I have a last-minute invitation. My friend Erika Gill is having a big party tomorrow night, one of those all-out birthday bashes that girls like. Want to go"----------------------------------------"No. Sorry."Since it's a catered thing, at a restaurant, I'll pick you up at- what did you say"I'm sorry. I can't do it."----------------------------------------"You're busy"I just can't do it," I said."

"Is that clear" said Borcht "as clear as pea soup" I said"

"Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks," I said to Ziggy."I'll try," Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break."

"Can I have Jake and Coke--uh, Jack and Cock"

"Life is like Tetris; if it doesn't fit, just flip it over"

"Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players."

"Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests."

"Hey, A-D-D,” she called out to Claire, “come over and try these on."

"This is Simba," Nicole said, pointing to the lion. "Is he dangerous" Asked Chase."Not really. He mauled a trainer, but nothing much."

"I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does. "How's it hanging" Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez!"

"I'm thirty-six years old and I've been married once and he left and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Like I can't be vulnerable. Can't relax. It's exhausting, always being on the defensive, keeping my guard up. I feel like Cuba."

"Life is too short to dance with ugly men"

"But he is an Italian," was Umberto's sensible reply. "He doesn't care if you break some law a little bit, as long as you wear beautiful shoes. Are you wearing beautiful shoes? Are you wearing the shoes I gave you?...principessa"I looked down at my flip-flops. "I guess I'm toast."

"We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how"

"I tell you, the old-fashioned doctor who treated all diseases has completely disappeared, now there are only specialists, and they advertise all the time in the newspapers. If your nose hurts, they send you to Paris: there's a European specialist there, he treats noses. You go to Paris, he examines your nose: I can treat only your right nostril, he says, I don't treat left nostrils, it's not my specialty, but after me, go to Vienna, there's a separate specialist there who will finish treating your left nostril."

"You're supposed to be a spirit of intellect. I don't understand why you're obsessed with sex."Bob's voice got defensive. "It's an academic interest, Harry."Oh yeah? Well maybe I don't think it's fair to let your academia go peeping in other people's ho"

"All men are equal before fish."