Funny

"I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out."

"Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq."

"That boy may have been born on third base but he sure as shit ain’t scored a triple."

"Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne."

"The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store."

"Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm"

"After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn't be enough to go around."

"Ant 1: So, uh, do you ever worry that your itsy little neck is just going to snap under the weight of your head? Ant 2: Stop asking me that. You ask me that, like, every five minutes. Ant 1: Sometimes I notice my antennae out of the corner of my eye and I'm all, like: AHH! Something is on me! Get it off! Get it off! Ant 2: Yeah, the antennae again. Listen, I just remembered, I have to go walk around aimlessly now."

"But you have said it too often, Mr. Benedict!" said Mrs. Perumal in an imperious tone that was quite out of character. "And if you continue in this vein, I'm afraid we'll be compelled to cut our visit short. Surely there are other establishments that would host an entire troup of guests - indefinitely and without reward - and not feel obliged to apologize for it!"

"Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese."She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga'"Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound"No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga."Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls."That's some bullshit, Troy."It's her couch."

"The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don't have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn't resemble art in any way."

"What's a wingding? Why, a wingding is, uh...it's just like a shindig but without all the hullabaloo."

"I wish I had only offered youa sovereign instead of ten pounds. Give me back nine pounds, Jane; I’ve a use for it.''And so have I, sir,' I returned, putting my hands and my purse behind me. 'I could not spare the money on any account.''Little niggard!' said he, 'refusing me a pecuniary request! Give me five pounds, Jane.''Not five shillings, sir; nor five pence.''Just let me look at the cash.''No, sir; you are not to be trusted."

"He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume."

"I saw you put rice in a toaster once," said Mae. "I was there when made the tin of beans explode."It was faulty," Jamie protested, his eyes shifty. " I am sure of this."

"The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably involve some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics."

"The following is a list of statements made many years ago by experts in their fields. At the time they were said they sounded intelligent. With the passing of time, they sound idiotic."

"You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you"Only a man would think of that. It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will."

"What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless."

"After this, I can't resist. "Between you, me, and the rest of us, Ted, it's starting to show. You'd better work out, or getting fat off Daddy might be harder to hide."