Funny

"A little vanilla never hurt anybody.” He nipped her ankle. “Great shoes by the way. Sexy as hell."

"You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother. I can already feel my balls starting to recede. And hey, does it look like I’m growing breasts? - Kye"

"Well," Mr. Cheeseman interjected. "Perhaps there's an easy solution to this. Maybe Captain Fabulous has an alter ego."What's an alter ego" asked Gerard."It's a superhero's true but secret identity," said Chip. "You know, the way that Superman is really Clark Kent." "Superman is really Clark Kent"It's pretty obvious," said Penny. "To everyone but you and Lois Lane."Okay," Gerard conceded. "Captain Fabulous's alter ego will be... Teddy Roosevelt."

"maybe somebody finally shot the dog."

"I’m trying to decide whether to tell you two to get a room or go barf in the trash can,” Emma said. “I’m leaning toward the second choice. You are both getting way too weird. And gross.”Cal barked out a laugh and slid his fingers down my arm to entwine with mine. His touch, and Emma’s comments, only made me blush more. Looks like Emma saw Cal lick my face after all. Now that wasn’t awkward or anything."

"Cat's friends seemed like very sweet girls," Dad says."They were the bomb," I say fervently, and he looks back at me with raised eyebrows."'The bomb' is a good thing? Like 'sick'"Duh," I reply, and Dad lets out a sigh."Thirteen-year-olds should come with subtitles," he says, turning onto our street."

"Remove yourself, sir!"

"Good dog! Nice fetch!"He wasn't fetching."Bring her here, boy. Good job!"The dog looked from Zack to me."I've been training him," Zack said. "Up till now he's brought home only dead rabbits, but I guess he's finally getting the hang of it."

"Tell the Queen that there's been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I'm to say nothing to Fortunata or Ashleg...'I must tell the Queen that a robin has seen Cludd hanging about. No, that's not right. I must tellt he robin taht Cludd has been hanging the Queen."

"Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year."

"I snatched up the cardboard cup, plastered my lips to the plastic sippy-lid and sucked down a scalding hot mouthful. It burned, but I didn’t give a damn. I held the cup to my chest as if it were my most special friend while feeling the instant affect the coffee had on my mood and I smiled. “Hello lover."

"Do you prefer to be called Richard or Dick?” “Ric.” “Dick? I'll make a note of that on your file.” I spoke aloud as I wrote. “Patient prefers to be called Dick."

"I strike fear into you because I am a man"It isn't funny."I do not laugh. It is a sad thing, yes, that your husband is a man. A very terrible thing."

"If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room."

"Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death."

"I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was..."

"He checked out his surrounding. More books. A drinking fountain. A poster showing a guy slam-dunking a basketball with one hand and holding a book in the other, urging kids to READ! Weird, thought Steve. How can he even see the hoop?... You see, Steven, Librarians are the most elite, best trained secret force in the United States of America. Probably in the world."No way."Yes way."What about the FBI"Featherweights."The CIA"Mackintosh snorted. "Don't make me laugh. Those guys can't even dunk a basketball andd read a book at the same time."

"Furthermore--though it was quite irrelevant now--he had no idea his killer, Kazuo Kiriyama, had, in his mansion that was much larger than Toshinori's home in Shiroiwa-cho, mastered the violin at a level far superior to Toshinori's a long time ago--and then tossed his violin into the trash."

"Does the giraffe know what he's for? Or care? Or even think about his place in things? A giraffe has a black tongue twenty-seven inches long and no vocal cords. A giraffe has nothing to say. He just goes on giraffing."

"The brain can be a dangerous thing. Even more so if you haven't got one."