Funny

"always schedule your comeback."

"Would you like to sit" Kellen asked her."You'd better do it soon," Owen whispered close to her ear, "or I'm going to bend you over that table and break the club's no-penetration-in-the-lounge rule."

"There, at her console, he dialed 594: pleased acknowledgement of husband's superior wisdom in all matters"

"SUBJECT: Real original Dear Dark Assholes,I get the point. Showing me that you know how to log onto a computer and utilize Google must’ve taken some pretty keen strategizing on your part. Really, really cool trick. Now leave me the hell alone.-The DL"

"I have heard stories that it was love at first sight for both of us, that we disappeared to a guest room at Merle's house, had our meals sent up, and didn't emerge for several days. This is absolutely untrue. I would never behave like that as a guest in someone's home. Carlos and I went to my beach house."

"When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock. So I stopped wearing socks."

"AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed.'So that's Sara,' I said.'Yes.''She seems nice."

"When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line."

"We sat on the floor for dinner. Ananya's father passed me a banana leaf. I wondered if i had to eat it or wipe my hands with it."

"I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one."

"This one's for Alaska Young!"

"Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up."

"We have truth in order not to die of art."

"I had to say it gave me a warm feeling to picture Meredith Winslow spending twenty years or so in an ill fitting orange jumpsuit, cozying up to a great big girl named Beulah"

"I can never be perfectly certain whether Helen was got with child by Leonard Bast or by his fatal forgotten umbrella. All things considered, I think it must have been the umbrella."

"...which, of course, is how I developed my love for both Kabuki theater and marshmallow Peeps."

"What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?"

"Tom Cruise isn't that big of a guy," my mom always says. I love how she tries to avoid using the word "short."Yeah," I tell her in return, "but he compensates by being Tom Cruise."Not that anyone really wants to BE Tom Cruise anymore now that he's a crazy couch jumper. But whatever."

"I only hope, for the sake of the rising male sex generally, that you may be found in as vulnerable and soft-hearted a mood by the first eligible young fellow who appeals to your compassion."

"Waiters are the help, dear. It's like falling in love with a blender!"