Funny

"Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was. Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid."

"You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It’s certainly safer than keeping it in the bank!"

"Maggie wasn't without her concerns, though. "What if he's crazy"Yeah, that's a definite possibility," he agreed."What if he's not your type"Then we'll only hook up in dark places."

"WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire."

"Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk."

"Really, it's amazing. You are his other half, Alexandria, You are fated to be with him. You belong to"

"I’m not your boyfriend!” I snapped, trying to gently move her hands away from my body.“How can you say that?” Sara asked in horror.“It’s shockingly effortless,” I replied. “My vocal chords vibrate, and my mouth and tongue articulate. I can even do it without thinking.” I had to remind myself to stay calm, and sarcasm was the best way to do that.“When are you going to give me a key to your house so I don’t have to knock like some guest?” Sara asked, coming at me again. I backed away. “How about never? Is never good for you?”Sara, undeterred, said, “You’re the reason I go to therapy on Fridays.”“The plot thickens!” Gabby exclaimed for comedic relief."

"Jokes are many things. 'Funny' is only one of them."

"It’s funny how much easier it is to see others’ shortcomings and give advice when you’re not personally involved, for it’s almost impossible to see the light when you’re swimming in shit."

"Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!Garfield: Feed me."

"Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical cheese scythed onward, reaching the bottom just ahead of the terrible carnage of men and cheeses as they piled up. Then it rolled back to the top and sat there demurely while still gently vibrating. At the bottom of the slope, fights were breaking out among the cheese jockeys who were still capable of punching somebody, and since everybody was watching that, Tiffany took the opportunity to snatch up Horace and shove him in her bag. After all, he was hers. Well, that was to say she had made him, although something odd must have gone into the mix since Horace was the only cheese that would eat mice and, if you didn't nail him down, other cheeses as well."

"Shoving aside fear and self-doubt, I met his eyes, aiming for absolute confidence in both my stance and my voice. “My father taught me to disarm my opponent at all costs—regardless of his choice of weapon,” I said, glancing pointedly at his groin.“Are you threatening me?”“Damn right. Lay one hand on me and you’ll never stand to pee again.”His eyes darkened, and his laugh sounded forced. “You’re very funny, gatita.”“I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely under-appreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan."

"Great," Shane said. "Look i'd rather not be on janitorial duty. I have allergies to cleaners."And to cleaning," Michael said."Look who's talking, Didn't the do one of those Animal Planet documentaries about the roaches in your room?"

"Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles"

"Nick rubbed his hand across his face as he tried to make sense of her prattle. But that was the thing about Simi. She seldom made sense."

"What about you? What do you do?” I needed to ask questions, draw him out. I needed to find out all the information I could. My voice sounded strong and smooth, but my hands were shaking. I put them in my lap so he couldn’t see.“I prey on innocent villagers and terrify their children,” he said with a nasty smile. “And sometimes when I’m feeling really evil, I read books or paint."

"You make me sound like an arrogant ass," he said."Are you"No! I'm just me."

"You cannot control faeries. Can. Not. They aren't logical or rational. They don't obey the same laws (physical, social, emotional, traffic - you name it) that we do."

"Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something."

"What happened" he asked brusquely, interrupting me. "What do you mean, what happened"I sensed your fear, heard you call out my"