Woody Allen

"Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic."

"I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic."

"God is silent. Now if only man would shut up."

"To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition."

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ."

"Chapter 1. He adored New York City. He idolized it all out of proportion...no, make that: he - he romanticized it all out of proportion. Yeah. To him, no matter what the season was, this was still a town that existed in black and white and pulsated to the great tunes of George Gershwin.'Uh, no let me start this over.'Chapter 1. He was too romantic about Manhattan, as he was about everything else. He thrived on the hustle bustle of the crowds and the traffic. To him, New York meant beautiful women and street-smart guys who seemed to know all the angles...'. Ah, corny, too corny for my taste. Can we ... can we try and make it more profound'Chapter 1. He adored New York City. For him, it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. The same lack of individual integrity that caused so many people to take the easy way out was rapidly turning the town of his dreams in...'No, that's going to be too preachy. I mean, you know, let's face it, I want to sell some books here.'Chapter 1. He adored New York City, although to him it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. How hard it was to exist in a society desensitized by drugs, loud music, television, crime, garbage...'Too angry, I don't want to be angry.'Chapter 1. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat.'I love this.'New York was his town, and it always would be."

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."

"There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, Boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says, Yeah, I know; and such small portions. Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank."

"“If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”"

"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."

"Seventy percent of success in life is showing up."

"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."

"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."

"Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea."

"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."

"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."