Woody Allen

"There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope."

"I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was..."

"Eighty percent of success is showing up."

"If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing-up."

"It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to."

"I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders."

"Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence."

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

"Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine."

"If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

"There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?"

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."

"If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse."

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"

"I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak."

"My brain? That's my second favorite organ."

"I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic."

"Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic."

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."