Funny

"I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!"

"I don’t want to freeze my eggs. I don’t want to visit a sperm bank. I don’t want to be a single parent, if I have any choice in the matter. I want a nuclear family. I want to put down roots, to let my seeds germinate, to watch them bloom and flourish. Not one day, if and when I ever fall in love again, but now. While I still have my youth, damn it."

"Being rich or famous is the only profound thing that some people have ever said."

"Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in the company of their egos."

"Among other possibilities, money was invented to make it possible for a foolish man to control wise men; a weak man, strong men; a child, old men; an ignorant man, knowledgeable men; and for a dwarf to control giants."

"They say watch the breathing, watch the diet and for God’s sake make that kid go quiet. But they never say: “I am wrong and you are right”, because the self –pride they always want to hide! But in time, like the truth it shall come to surface and all those lies, that awful misery they always boast about will be extinct, whilst their conscience filled with guilt."

"It is not really hard to do nothing. Many can. The hard part is doing nothing without feeling guilty about it."

"I tended to hate people that hit me in the head without warning."

"It goes without saying that even those of us who are going to hell will get eternal life—if that territory really exists outside religious books and the minds of believers, that is. Having said that, given the choice, instead of being grilled until hell freezes over, the average sane human being would, needless to say, rather spend forever idling in an extremely fertile garden, next to a lamb or a chicken or a parrot, which they do not secretly want to eat, and a lion or a tiger or a crocodile, which does not secretly want to eat them."

"To some believers, being on the pill or using a condom is a nonverbal way of telling God to go to hell."

"GOD. Sometimes I think there might be a god out there, and that every once in a while he tunes in to see what we're up to, and have a good laugh at how we like to dress him up in various costume. Robes, thorny crowns, yarmulkes and curls, saris and butt-hugging yoga pants. Male, female, a genderless reincarnation factory; a Mother Earth or a withholding Father Christmas. I would think it would amuse the hell out of him. That we're all idolaters, worshiping figments of our own creation who bear no resemblance to him. Maybe he's sitting in some alternate dimension somewhere, saying, 'Shit, I didn't even create the world! I was just cooking my dinner, not paying attention to the heat, and suddenly here was this big band and a few hours later, a bunch of dinosaurs..."

"The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies."

"gray hair is gods graffiti"

"Umgangsformen sind Formen, die zunehmend umgangen werden."

"Wer lügt, hat die Wahrheit immerhin gedacht."

"Wedded she some years, and to a man Of fifty, and such husbands are in plenty;And yet, I think, instead of such a ONE'Twere better to have TWO of five and twenty..."

"It would actually constitute more than a miracle, he realised. It would take divine intervention plus luck, plus some unknown element of cosmic wizardry."

"We losers don't fear death. For us it's the end of a lifelong losing spell."

"All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye and cover-up, wouldn’t be more than average-looking, but with all that stuff look too plastic to be pretty."

"Your kids pissing you off is an inborn instinct. It's nature's way of getting you to kick them out when they turn 18!Okaaay. ~sigh~ Due to the times, you can kick them out between the ages of 28-38. Can someone please dramatically reduce the cost of housing, already?~SHEESH~"