Funny

"Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.1. You're wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where's the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad has a suit just like that.7. That man is hot. Look at him.8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…9. You're going to order that? Seriously?10. You're how old?"

"aren't you, uh... reproducing"sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things."

"Don't gobblefunk around with words."

"Perv."He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?"

"Do you want a cookie?- What?- A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?- No.- How can you not want a cookie?- I just don't.- Okay, fine,let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do?- I'd eat a cookie?- Exactly. That's all I'm saying.- What are you saying?- That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It's what people do.- Let me guess. Dad won't let you have acookie?- No. Even though I'm practically starving to death, he won't even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first.- And you don't think that's fair.- You just said you'd get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can't I? I'm not a little kid. I can make my own decisions.- Hmm. I can see why this bothers you somuch.- It's not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie,you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don't count. Like yousaid, it's not fair.- So what are you going to do?- I'm going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn't fairto ten-year-olds."

"Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!"

"She's strong! And scary... I bet she's single... I'd put money on it.."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards."

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

"I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist"

"If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out."

"Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane"

"Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep."

"I cannot go to school today"Said little Peggy Ann Mc Kay."I have the measles and the mumps,A gash, a rash and purple bumps. My mouth is wet, my throat is dry. I'm going blind in my right eye. My tonsils are as big as rocks,I've counted sixteen chicken pox. And there's one more - that's seventeen,And don't you think my face looks green?My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,It might be the instamatic flu. I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,I'm sure that my left leg is broke. My hip hurts when I move my chin,My belly button's caving in. My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,My 'pendix pains each time it rains. My toes are cold, my toes are numb,I have a sliver in my thumb. My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,I hardly whisper when I speak. My tongue is filling up my mouth,I think my hair is falling out. My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,My temperature is one-o-eight. My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,There's a hole inside my ear. I have a hangnail, and my heart is ... What? What's that? What's that you say?You say today is ... Saturday?G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice."

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."

"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"