Funny

"I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner."

"Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"I don't like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I've never heard a phone ring before and I don't know what's supposed to happen next. Hello?"

"I sneaked out to his house a couple times in the middle of the night to watch over him while he slept, just in case, I don't know, his comic book collection decided to spontaneously combust. This was dumb and admittedly creepy in an Edward Cullen kind of way."

"Did those nice church ladies come by again" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else."

"Why did you tell her I'm your boyfriend? Why doesn't she know about your real one? - Timmy He's English! And Mom... Mom hates foreigners! - Cat"

"I guess we're oil and water. (Phoebe)I'd say we're more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)"

"Dogs have their day but cats have 365."

"[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!"

"What are you" -Mac "I don't follow" -Jericho "You dropped 30 feet in that warehouse. You should have broken something. What are you" -Mac "A man with a rope." -Jericho"

"Daemon!" Dee called from the kitchen. "I need your help!"We should go see what she's doing before she destroys your kitchen." He rubbed his hands down his face. "It's possible."

"On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead."

"Nothing is funnier than unhappiness."

"They call me, The Sharkalator"

"Whatever would give you the idea that I'm her damn brother?"

"What did Isabelle want" Jace asked. Alec hesitated. "Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with us."Sure," said Magnus. "And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour."Alec looked puzzled. "Who's Madonna"Who's the Queen of the Seelie Court" said Clary."She is the Queen of Faerie," said Magnus. "Well, the local one, anyway."Jace put his head in his hands. "Tell Isabelle no."But she thinks it's a good idea," Alec protested."Then tell her no twice."

"Tris," he says. "What did they do to you? You're acting like a lunatic."That's not very nice of you to say," I say. "They put me in a good mood, that's all. And now I really want to kiss you, so if you could just relax-"

"The clock struck eleven and cat the vampire huntress was on the loose, except my battle armor was a push-up bra, curled hair, and a short dress. Yeah, it was a dirty job, but I was going to do it. Come one, come all, bloodsuckers! Bar’s open!"

"You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality!"