Funny

"I don't have a master. I'm not sure if I have an equal."

"My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa."

"Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses."

"I'd sold my soul to get out of detention."

"Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly."

"Only then did I see. Something was amiss with Patrick's snap-on one piece, or "onesie" as we manly dads like to call it. His chubby thighs, I now realized, were squeezed into the armholes, which were so tight they must have been cutting off his circulation. The collared neck hung between his legs like an udder. Up top, Patrick's head stuck out through the unsnapped crotch, and his arms were lost somewhere in the billowing pant legs. It was quite a look."

"People keep asking "Jacob or Edward" when the really important question is "Diamond Dave or Sammy?"

"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore."

"What's a slut" I ask him."A girl who puts out too easily."Puts out what" I imagine Greer putting out dinner and don't understand what Iwan wouldn't like about that."Puts out, you know..." His face, already beet red from our run, turns a darker scarlet. "Sex."I wonder where Greer puts the sex out."

"We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance."

"I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral."

"Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z."

"Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws."

"Nero, we need to talk. Chloe will not get off my ass. I told her,” Amo looked right at Chloe in the eyes, “to walk beside me, but she refuses to even say a word to me.”　　“T-that’s how I walk!” Chloe blurted.　　Elle started laughing; it was too hard not to.　　“Oh, now you can talk because Elle’s around.” Elle only laughed harder. "I blame you!” He pointed at Elle."

"The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy."

"Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby."

"Why...do you find this...distracting?"

"We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in."

"Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick."

"A red eight-sided sign always means: A) Stop. B) Go. C) Danger! Red octogons ahead!"