Funny

"Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works."

"My tiny scary friend is coming"

"Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway"I care" Simon said gloomily. "Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex."

"The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready it goes on because it’s 11:30."

"Sure. What's the worst that could happen." Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. "I can't frecking believe this."I cringed. "I'm so sorry."I'm bald!" Giguhl continued. "I look like a freak."It's not that bad," I said. But it was. Oh, my lord was it bad. I'd never seen an uglier cat in my entire life."

"One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up."

"Objection!" Metz shouts. Grounds" the judge asks. Well...he's my witness!"

"That's your solution? Have a cookie?"

"I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination."

"I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with a thirty-story building. Without dwelling on the tragedy, I'd just like to say that I'm deeply sorry to Mr. Purple and the surviving Purple family."

"She'd had sex with a demon. Tayla swallowed bile and tried to keep her stomach from heaving. She needed to shower. And douche."

"I remember the will said, 'May God thy gold refine.' That must be from the Bible."Shakespeare," Turtle said. All quotations were either from the Bible or Shakespeare."

"I need another drink!” I said as a second attempt to change the subject. “Shots!” America yelled. Shepley rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah. That’s what you need, another shot."

"Cover me!' Augustus said as he jumped out from behind the wall and raced toward the school. Isaac fumbled for his controller and thenstarted firing while the bullets rained down on Augustus, who was shot once and then twice but still ran, Augustus shouting,'YOU CAN’T KILL MAX MAYHEM!' and with a final flurry of button combinations, he dove onto the grenade, which detonated beneath him. His dismembered body exploded like a geyser and the screen went red. A throaty voice said, 'MISSION FAILURE,' but Augustus seemed to think otherwise as he smiled at his remnants on the screen. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a cigarette, and shoved it between his teeth.'Saved the kids' he said.'Temporarily' I pointed out.'All salvation is temporary' Augustus shot back. 'I bought them a minute. Maybe that’s the minute that buys them an hour, which is the hour that buys them a year. No one’s gonna buy them forever, Hazel Grace, but my life bought them a minute. And that’s not nothing."

"Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are."

"I will make thee think thy swan a crow."

"She'd made him watch every Alien movie. Most of the goriest scenes were accompanied by his dialogue: 'Ach, that's no' - that's just no' right... Bloody hell, this canna be right."

"Don't cross me Scooby-Doo. I'm not an old man in a mask waiting to be thwarted by you meddling kids."

"Mardi Gras, baby. Mardi Gras. Time when all manner of weird shit cuts loose and parties down."

"We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive."