Funny

"Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I"I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet!" said Hermoine shrilly. Harry and Ron looked at her."What d'you think Harry's going to do with it - sweep the floor" said Ron."

"A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you."

"Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It's depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then kill itself in hand-to-hand combat."

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat."

"If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong."

"Rhiannon's Law #22. You can't lie to yourself, so don't bother trying. Doing so only multiplies your douchebag level to the umpteenth power and confirms what others have been saying for years - that you are an idiot."

"Wait,” he said, pulling me to a stop when I tried to march off toward my destiny. “Is there something you want to tell me?” I looked at him, trying to think of anything I’d done recently that I needed to admit to. When nothing came to mind other than the usual, I shook my head. “Not really. Why?” He reached out and touched my leather jacket. “Is that a bullet hole?” Freaking great."

"I can pay you."He raised his eyebrows. "I'm sure there are services for that. Maybe you can try calling 1-800-HOOKERS or something"You know the number well?"

"I love the sound of it," Trina whispers, as if speaking too loudly might interrupt the drumming patter of the rain outside. "It makes me want to sleep. Snuggle my head right up in your armpit and snore for three days."My armpit" Mark repeats. "Good thing we all showered up in the storm this morning. My pits smell like roses. Go ahead and get comfy."

"I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen."

"Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you."

"Hey, Ethan."Yeah"Remember the Twinkie on the bus? The one I gave you in second grade, the day we met"The one you found on the floor and gave me without telling me? Nice."He grinned and shot the ball. "It never really fell on the floor. I made that part up."

"While we’re at it, why don’t we add a third emotion to this list: lust. You are probably unaware that Linnaeus lumped the tomato into the same genus as the potato, a food with a reputation for its widespread availability and easy satisfaction of oral needs."

"Do you remember our first kiss? I do. Not a day goes by I don’t think of the feel of that bicuspid against my tongue. It had such a distinctive feel, neither cuspid nor molar…but I’m not sure it knew that – that was what endeared it to me so. It was like the blunted tusk of a wild boar."

"Dear sirs, The cold war isn’t over. When national borders fail, the epidermis is the last line of defense. We are counting on you. Sincerely,Patriot"

"Don’t believe what you hear about those penguins. A species of lazy waddlers. Their extinction is immanent."

"Sorry, Bex," Jason said "You don't have the recognizable facial characteristics - such as a huge chin, or a large amount of real estate between the eyes - that would merit the bestowing of a criminal mastermind nickname such as Lockjaw or Walleye. Whereas Crazytop here...well, just look at her." "Atleast I can blow-dry my hair straight," I pointed out. "Which is more than what I can say for your nose, Hawkface."

"Misery, thy name is Mudslide"

"Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was when I started."

"His hand cups the back of my neck, and before I can think, he dips down and our mouths meet. For a split second I worry that he thinks he's kissing Courtney. But that instant the warmth of his soft lips spreads into mine, all thoughts dissolve. Pure feeling is all I have left. Little electric sparks sip through my bloodstream, making sure every nerve in my body is focused on his amazing mouth."