Funny

"As is perhaps obvious, Morris Zapp had no great esteem for his fellow-labourers in the vineyards of literature. They seemed to him vague, fickle, irresponsible creatures, who wallowed in relativism like hippopotami in mud, with their nostrils barely protruding into the air of common-sense. They happily tolerated the existence of opinions contrary to their own — they even, for God’s sake, sometimes changed their minds. Their pathetic attempts at profundity were qualified out of existence and largely interrogative in mode. They liked to begin a paper with some formula like, ‘I want to raise some questions about so-and-so’, and seemed to think they had done their intellectual duty by merely raising them. This manoeuvre drove Morris Zapp insane. Any damn fool, he maintained, could think of questions; it was answers that separated the men from the boys."

"Rose unearthed three crystal goblets that almost matched, and even found a tablecloth that hadn't been attacked by moths since its last public appearance."

"Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man."

"What part of Canada are you from, honey"THE LEFT PART," said Jay."

"Decoupage hit Mooreland pretty hard..."

"Tag opened the door to his knock, and with a look of disappointment, peered behind Wade."You got someone better coming over" Wade asked him."Pizza," Tag said."

"I threatened to kung fu you. Oh my God."

"Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige."

"(True,) the white hole said. (My name is Khairelikoblepharehglukumeilichephreidosd'enagouni-) and at the same time he went flickering through a pattern of colors that was evidently the visual translation."

"It may be prodigious, but it's all Greek to me!"

"And if that is the Foremast, what do you think that sail might be called, Mr. Wheeler"The Foresail"Very good, Mr. Wheeler, and the next one up would be called..."..."The Next Sail, Sir"Alas, no, Mr. Wheeler."

"Lepida, has anyone ever told you that you're a cruel spiteful selfish slut?... You're vicious. You're unprincipled. You mistreat your slaves and abuse your daughter. And furthermore you're the worst, most neglectful, most criminal wife in Rome. I think we can go now."

"I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish."

"That explains a lot,' he said. 'I suppose it's also why we've never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed."

"What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands."

"Everybody just lets the media do their thinking for them... that's why you'll never hear any reggae on the radio!"

"OKAY. So I was going to the library every Saturday. So what? So what? It's not like I was reading books or anything."

"Let every man shovel out his own snow, and the whole city will be passable," said Gamache. Seeing Beauvoir's puzzled expression he added, "Emerson."Lake and Palmer"Ralph and Waldo."

"I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights."

"How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?"