Funny

"Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye."

"Two years ago, I was a twenty-nine year old secretary. Now I am a thirty-one year old writer. I get paid very well to sit around in my pajamas and type on my ridiculously fancy i Mac, unless I'd rather take a nap. Feel free to hate me -- I certainly would."

"If Sloane’s quiet words hadn’t been enough to get Dex squirming in his towel, Sloane’s quick kiss to his lips sealed the deal. Oh God, he was about to get a hard-on at work, and the bastard that was the cause of it was loving every moment"

"Come here, cat. You wouldn’t want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow."

"This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you hang up. Or your penis claims wrong number or misdial or no hablo Ingles. It's infuriating, and it's called genital call me maybe."

"I just wrote a book. But don't go and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finished."

"Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it."

"It's just so sad what we're willing to do for the Joey Spinellis of the world, you know?The mutilating, the tweezing, the enhancing, the plumping, the pinching, the waxing, the starving, the sweating, the bleaching. And for what? So you can wake up next to THAT in thirty years? What are we thinking??"

"I had a tumor. But it was great."

"No other foreskin could have caused such trouble."

"You ought to sue that son of a whore"

"They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?"

"Why would Dad call you? I mean, you have to admit that he would have been better off calling the local prison and asking them to send out one of the convicted killers to come find me. - Shella"

"Because I feel as if I let it down. As if it needed something from me, I was its only hope, and now that hope is gone.''What penis doesn’t try to make you feel that way?"

"If the retreat house was a trap, it was a very nice one."

"A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them"

"This is the final book about Brian"

"That is a horrid temptation to put before a man who is forbidden to make vigorous movements,” he said. “Is it really?” she said. “No wonder Miles did not approve. He looked daggers at me.” “Maybe his face froze that way,” Rupert said. “He was looking daggers at me a few hours ago. Do you think he suspects?” “I think he knows ,” she said. “I’m glad I don’t have a sister,” he said. “I should have to get over my aversion to killing people.” -Rupert and Daphne"

"I'm not sure whether to be relieved she didn't hurt you or diappointed. Now he's going to think he got away with that junk." -Abby I wouldn't say that. He got a stern talking-to, but he already made great progress with his groveling lessons." -Sam"Ill show you exactly how much progress I've made the next time I get you in a shower." -Noah"I'm gonna kill him! Did you hear that? You have to let me kill him." -Graham"Stay right where you are. There will be no killing. I thought I made that clear to everyone last night. Don't make me go over it again!" -Missy"

"Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a thousand books along shelves in the driest part of the cave. There used to be several boxes of pornography until Mortimer realized that he'd spent nearly ten days in a row sitting in the cave masturbating. He burned the dirty magazines to keep from doing some terrible whacking injury to himself."