Steven Wright

Steven Wright

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
108 Quotes
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
Steven Wright
"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."
Steven Wright
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
Steven Wright
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
Steven Wright
"Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home."
Steven Wright
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
Steven Wright
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
Steven Wright
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
Steven Wright
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
Steven Wright
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."
Steven Wright
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."
Steven Wright
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar."
Steven Wright
"I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them."
Steven Wright
"I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe Mc Donald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics."
Steven Wright
"I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy."
Steven Wright
"I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost."
Steven Wright
"I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be."
Steven Wright
"People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do."
Steven Wright
"When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel."
Steven Wright
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