Steven Wright

Steven Wright

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
108 Quotes
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Steven Wright
"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here."
Steven Wright
"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
Steven Wright
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
Steven Wright
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
Steven Wright
"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"
Steven Wright
"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"
Steven Wright
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
Steven Wright
"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."
Steven Wright
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright
"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."
Steven Wright
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
Steven Wright
"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"
Steven Wright
"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."
Steven Wright
"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."
Steven Wright
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
Steven Wright
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
Steven Wright
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
Steven Wright
"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
Steven Wright
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
Steven Wright
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