Steven Wright

Steven Wright

"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving."
108 Quotes
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving."
Steven Wright
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me arefurious!"
Steven Wright
"I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone."
Steven Wright
"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."
Steven Wright
"If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?"
Steven Wright
"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
Steven Wright
"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."
Steven Wright
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
Steven Wright
"Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?"
Steven Wright
"Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?"
Steven Wright
"If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell."
Steven Wright
"I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
Steven Wright
"If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?"
Steven Wright
"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
Steven Wright
"I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."
Steven Wright
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
Steven Wright
"If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?"
Steven Wright
"It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature."
Steven Wright
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
Steven Wright
"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."
Steven Wright
✉️

Get more quotes like Steven Wright's — every morning.

Join thousands of wisdom seekers getting daily quotes from 300,000+ curated sources.

Free forever. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime.