Humor

"I had a quack in the floor. So, I had to use ductile."

"Ah ha!' the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. ''The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!"

"The assholes are always puzzled when the order of the universe is restored, when they are held accountable for their cowardly, pretentious, loveless ways."

"Never trust a woman hoarding a half-eaten bag of M&M's."

"Confidence is highly erotic."

"It's amazing how good fifty and sunny feels after you've been bleeding in twelve with a windchill of go fuck yourself."

"Oh, God. Not again.”Not again? “Do you make a habit of driving into people’s houses?"

"Fill me in on the details of your life.”“I thought you didn’t give a shit.”“It’ll give me something to do while I wait for you to stab me to death."

"Writing is not always a writer's playtime. It's actually a work in progress. Few understand this and mistakenly believe we're wasting time. But it's never a waste of time when doing what you love."

"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, you're probably in the wrong bathroom."

"Young girls and mass murders are tender hearted creatures"

"Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' "I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken."

"How's your grandpa"Still worried that your blackness will infect me."That's the plan. First you, then all the other blondes, and then on to brunettes and redheads. Once we have the womenfolk, all the babies will come out black, too. We all voted on the plan at the last Black Conspirators meeting."

"Okay. I’m not a white male. At least, not predominantly so. And as I mentioned before, I’m in an environment right now where race is really important. See, Chinese men are not that physically intimidating. We’re not that tall. We’re not that built. We have exactly one thing going for us in a fight — that our opponent recognizes that there’s a possibility, no matter how remote, that we might know kung-fu."

"Could dump two Chinee down in one of our maria and they would get rich selling rocks to each other while raising twelve kids. Then a Hindu would sell retail stuff he got from them wholesale--below cost at a fat profit. We got along."

"Mom talks about moving to Canada as though my father had requested she start wearing fun hats. "Why not try it" she thought, instead of "This fucking lunatic wants me to go to a country made of ice and casual racism."

"The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world... Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about, so here are a few suggestions:...5. Reasons it's wrong to be racist even though it makes sense to you."

"Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. "Oy!" yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. "There's a fackin' q"

"Mrs. Cole was a perfect democrat. She hated all kids equally."

"Democracy is like a tamborine - not everyone can be trusted with it."