Humor

"My handling of the situation with Jake proved that I was the same girl from eight years ago. I'd just gained a stone and lost my love for Shayne Ward."

"Sorry I painted the word 'twat' on your garage door."

"Today I am amused, and I haven't seen anyone yet."

"alone but trying to survive alone."

"If there's a place for me in Hell I hope it's next to someone like you"

"What do you think the Order is going to do" he asks. "Help us open a door to Hell, if we're lucky," I reply. Lucky. Ha ha. The irony."

"...,dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. Chapter I."

"I smile thinly, to make it clear that this will happen when hell turns into a family friendly summer resort."

"There was a hell for blasphemers. There was a hell for disputers of rightful authority. There were a number of hells for liars. There was probably a hell for little boys who wished their grandmothers were dead. There were more than enough hells to go around."

"There is a rule in Hell: Don’t trust anyone who takes time out of their day to help you."

"Hell’s got IT?Yes, of course. Who do you think invented Candy Crush?"

"Ye know, doan't ye, what it feels like when ye burn yer hand in takin' a cake out of the oven or wi'a match when ye're lightin' one of they godless cigarettes? Ay. It stings wi' a fearful pain, doan't it? And ye run away to clap a bit o' butter on it to take the pain away. Ah, but' (an impressive pause) 'there'll be no butter in hell!"

"Are you taking us to hell" I ask, and Denise answers with an ominous, "More or less."

"Lucifer, how, after a dozen millennia in Hell, could you possibly lose your way" the Devil asked incredulously. "Well," the lesser demon began, "It is a rather large place..."

"The monitor presently shows the Windows Blue Screen of Death, though this does not alarm him, as the BSo D is the universal screen saver in Hell."

"Hell was grey. Dim and lifeless... I felt numb and in pain at the same time and that was not supposed to happen in heaven. But you would think that with all the queers they had sent here since time began, hell would have a better decorating job."

"An educated theologian: someone who's better at rationalizing what they're pretending to know."

"I recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian... The two were engaged in disputation and the theologian used the old quip about a philosopher resembling a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat — which wasn't there. ‘That may be,’ said the philosopher, ‘but a theologian would have found it."

"The irony of rule followers is they often quote a lot of people that do not follow as many rules as they do."

"Today someone asked me if that old stereotype about hot-headed Italians is true. I answered this way: About 2,000 years ago, there was a guy running around hollering about peace & love ... and we nailed his ass to a cross! (Hope that answers your fuckin' question!)"