Humor

"Shane: "Bro," he said, in an injured tone, "I had to go out with a flamethrower, and you weren't there to see it." Michael: "Pics or it didn't happen." Shane: "Dude, little busy for pics. You know, throwing flame."

"I mean, electric shock? Isn’t that a bit... electric shock-y?"

"He gives me the hairy eyeball, and asks me to help him find his pancreas."

"A line of perspiration slipped down my spine like a waterslide at an unamusement park."

"Traveling through the Dragon's Den, it has just been explained that Haroun, the Ifrit, has been caught in a mirror trap. Here is the passage that follows:"So," said Silas. "Now there are only three of us."And a pig," said Kandar [the mummy]"Why" Asked Miss Lupescu, with a wolf-tongue, through wolf teeth. "Why the Pig"It's lucky," said Kandar. Miss Lupescu growled, unconvinced."Did Haroun have a pig" asked Kandar, simply."

"Couldn’t you hypnotize her or something"It doesn’t work like that."I thought vampires were all sex gods with the ladies."Cade looked at him. "What gave you that idea"Uh ... late-night TV, mostly ..."Humans are our food. Do you want to have sex with a cow?"

"I had lied so much lately that I was honestly surprised my pants weren't literally made of fire."

"And what about us? Do you want a vampire boyfriend" He laughed bitterly. "Because I forsee many romantic picnics in our future. You, drinking a virgin piña colada. Me, drinking the blood of a virgin."

"I had two cups of coffee, put Eric's jeans in the washer, read a romance for awhile, and studied my brand-new Word of the Day calendar, a Christmas gift from Arlene. My first word of the New Year was 'exsanguinate.' This was probably not a good omen."

"Welcome to the fascinating world of the undead! Please use this guidebook as ahandy reference as you make your first steps toward eternity. Inside you will findinformation on vampire nutrition, relationships, and safety. But before learningabout your future, a word about our past…—From The Guide for the Newly Undead"

"The scent of growth, quiet and green, hung heavy in the air. I heard everything. I saw everything. I could count the craters on the moon. I could count every mosquito buzz past, bypassing my tender skin out of respect for a fellow bloodsucker."

"Before you go,mate,turn on the telly. Something raunchy too. Think I'll rub off one before I go to sleep"

"In a werewolf pack, you cannot interfere with the mate choice of a clan fellow. You cannot intentionally harm that werewolf’s chosen mate. You are not, however, required to help that person should he find himself in a life - threatening situation. Somehow, Zeb had managed to stumble into several such situations in the few months since he ’d been engaged to Jolene. He’d had several hunting “accidents” while visiting the Mc Claine farm, even though he didn’t hunt. The brakes on his car had failed while he was driving home from the farm—twice. Also, a running chainsaw mysteriously fell on him from a hayloft. He would never get that pinkie toe back."

"Cole - I just thought of a new game. Jaz - What's that?Cole - Splat the Specter. Jaz - Rules?Cole - You can help me make them up. Right now all I know for sure is that it involves water guns filled with grape Kool-Aid and two ferrets named Biff and Chlamydia. Vayl - Why Ferrets?Jaz - Really? You want to know about his choice of pets when he's named one of them after an STD?"

"Most of the funeral stuff is going to be done during daylight hours,” I said. “I’m not even going to be able to attend the burial. Humans get upset when vampires burst into flames right next to them."

"I glanced at George half naked in his towel, then at Barkley, completely naked in his . . . nothing. A vampire and a werewolf. I shook my head. It was obvious. I was having one of my Anita Blake dreams again."

"Illium, his expression subdued as it had been for too many days, turned to her. “Mind if I have a go?”“Kick his ass.”Stripping off his shirt and boots, Illium held out his hand for one of Venom’s blades. Lips curving, Venom passed it over. “Sure you can handle me, pretty, pretty Bluebell?”“Did I ever tell you about my snakeskin boots?” A savage grin, and she knew Venom was about to bear the brunt of whatever haunted the blue-winged angel. Venom swirled his blade in hand. “I do think I need some new feathers for my pillow."

"Embroidery" I sucked at embroidery. Aunt Hyacinth had tried to teach me, but we'd both given it up as a lost cause. Lucy, strangely, had picked it up really quickly and embroidered a tapestry of Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow for my last birthday."

"After that came her biggie: a triple murder--her dealer, the dealer's sister, and the dealer's sister's boyfriend. Reading that made me feel a little funny that we'd fucked and I'd loved her."

"Love passed me by and I failed to get the plates."