Humor

"I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire."

"But that reminds me – and stop me if you've heard this one – of the day Jesus was watching the gates for St. Peter. Anyway, Jesus is giving him a hand one day when a man walks shuffling up to the path of Heaven. “ ‘What have you done to enter the kingdom of Heaven?’ Jesus asks him. “And the man says, ‘Well, not much really. I’m just a poor carpenter who led a quiet life. The only remarkable thing about my life was my son.’ “ ‘Your son?’ Jesus asks, getting interested. “ ‘Yes, he was quite a son,’ the man says. ‘He went through a most unusual birth and later a great transformation. He also became quite well known throughout the world and is still loved by many today.’ “Christ looks at the man, embraces him tightly, and says ‘Father, father!’ “And the old man hugs him back and says, ‘Pinocchio?"

"Scientists want to search for alien signals because that's what gets them publicity. They are like Jesus Christ."Jesus Christ" Nambodri asked, with a faintly derogatory chuckle."Yes. They are exactly like Jesus Christ. You know that he turned water into wine."I've heard that story."From the point of view of pure chemistry, it is more miraculous to make wine into water than water into wine. But he did not do that. Because if he had gone to someone's house and converted their wine into water, they would have crucified him much earlier. He knew, Jana. He knew making water into wine was a more popular thing to do."

"Master: When a human being asks 'WHO AM I', the honest answer is eternal silence. Disciple: Do we make noise to feel that silence, Master?"

"Merkin had used only one drop of the “just soap.” Two drops would have made her Master walk slightly awkwardly. Three drops would have made a Victorian gentleman utter something really lustful, such as “you transfix me quite."

"At the last moment, she remembered that her Master might be watching her and, knowing that good girls bend at the knees while bad girls bend at the waist, she picked up the cigar butt, as it were, in style."

"You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing."

"What have you done?” Shadow asked her, his eyes alive with fear.“I dunno, but I wish I hadn't."

"I’m relieved to seethat even brilliant physicists make mistakes.”Kohler looked over. “What do you mean?”“Whoever wrote that note made a mistake. That column isn’t Ionic. Ionic columns are uniform in width. That one’s tapered. It’s Doric—the Greek counterpart. A common mistake.”Kohler did not smile. “The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them."

"And, beginning to grind his teeth again, Pyotr Petrovich admitted that he'd been a fool--but only to himself, of course."

"Sometimes you feel as though you've slandered yourself, but the joke's on them."

"Oh, I know I'm a great trial to you, Marilla," said Anne repentantly. "I make so many mistakes. But then just think of all the mistakes I don't make, although I might."

"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error."

"Do you ever make silly mistakes? It is one of my very few creative activities."

"Just because you are on a path to damnation, doesn’t mean you’re going to get there. Be willing to change your travel plans."

"You are not responsible for the murderous rampage of an alien psycho, okay?"

"It is naturally a sign of inner liberation when a patient can squarely recognize his difficulties and take them with a grain of humor. But some patients at the beginning of analysis make incessant jokes about themselves, or exaggerate their difficulties in so dramatic a way that they will appear funny, while they are at the same time absurdly sensitive to any criticism. In these instances humor is used to take the sting out of an otherwise unbearable shame."

"It’s adult swim time and I’m diving in here at the shallow end."

"I don’t think Will Herondale and a sense of responsibility are even on speaking terms"

"Have a smile on your face for everyone you meet, and a plan to kill them."