Humor

"Oh, shut up Hagan. I'm not doing it for you; I'm doing it for me. I don't want your blood getting all over my outfit."

"What did you think was going to ensue when you chose Hagan's big ass to train me? That guy is wicked fierce and a total badass."

"I took a deep breath and sighed in awe. My proverbial penis had just gotten a serious chubby."

"Is this bitch crazy? I don't want to 'accidentally' drown"

"What you feel for me, is it caused by your vampirism, or do you yourself feel that way? Because, I mean, I guess I AM, technically, like a walking hamburger. Who wouldn't want a free meal" I asked tentatively."

"Since I can't turn into a bat and fly, I'll still need my bus pass"

"I'll just stay ten feet away from him at all times so I don't accidentally trip and fall and land lips first on his mouth."

"You know...acting like a dick...won't make yours any bigger."

"Dear God, that man has a magnificent body.' ... 'It’s like having a cupcake thrust in front of your face and not being allowed to have a lick of the icing."

"I can still feel my legs, thanks for asking. My back’s not even hurt that badly. Only as though I was just hit by a train."

"What would a Mohammedan vampire do if faced with a cross?"

"Right. I can see it now. Merry Christmas, everybody! And by the way, did I tell you I'm a vampire? No need to pass the gravy, just bare your neck-"

"Lovely Arra Sails,nectar to all males,how I'd like to spear you like a whaler spears a whale!"

"...and Lucy." She looked like she might cry.'What about her'"Lucy smells like food." She nearly gagged saying it.'Sol, all that's normal. Lucy smelled good before I turned, and now she smells even better. But I haven't tried to eat her face and neither will you.'"She's not safe in this house."'Safer than out there,' I argued, even though I agreed with her. 'Look, you used to eat hamburgers.'She blinked, confused. "So"'So, did you ever walk through one of the farms at a field party and suddenly try to eat a cow'"Um, no." Her chuckle was watery but it was better than nothing. "And, ew."'Exactly. You can crave blood and not eat your best friend."

"So, you don’t drink much,” he said. “What about food?” “No, I don’t eat food. I tried it once a long time ago when I was still a young vamp. It tasted good, but my body rejected it.” “Don’t feel bad. My body rejects food on occasion too,” Greg said, and she grinned. A sense of humor was always a plus for a man."

"His ears caught a sweet chiming noise, and a moment later a warm rush fell over his body. How we doing Rhage? Too hot? Butch's voice. Up close. The cop was in the shower with him. And he smelled Turkish tobacco. V must be in the bathroom too. Hollywood? This too hot for you? No. He reached around for the soap, fumbling. Can't see. Just as well. No reason for you to know what we look naked together. Frankly, I'm traumatized enough for the both of us. Rhage smiled a little as a washcloth scrubbed over his face, neck and chest."

"Inching into the room, it’s clear something is wrong here. There’s a tingling sensation up my legs and back before I can even really focus on the parlor’s details. There are silhouettes of people, but I can see through them. It’s like shadows were cast and left behind to do as they please. Lost in the surreal sight of them for a moment, I inch further into the room without noticing that some were now moving behind me. There is no warning. I’m suddenly in the air, and moving backward rapidly toward the wall. It’s almost a full second before my body registers the actual pain of the blow my stomach just took. Being hit by a car doesn't even compare to this, and I didn't even see it coming.“For a shadow, you hit like a sledgehammer!” The words barely escape before something else slams into the base of my skull embedding most of my upper body in the wall and all but removing my head. These things are like Lucy; the disembodied dead who haven’t moved on. I've never met others that can actually touch things physically, they must be fairly potent. I pull my face out of the hole it had been planted in, letting plaster dust fall, coating my chest and legs like snow. Looking around quickly I try to gauge my surroundings. I can’t see them, but I know they’re there. Is one easy night, without a huge dry-cleaning bill, too much to ask for these days?I only have time to dwell on it a moment before my head is bouncing off the hardwood floor; once, twice, and then a third time in quick succession. Now ‘pick splinters out of my forehead’ can be added to my Saturday night to-do list. Damn it, this is not going as planned."

"There were a few things scarier than a bipolar vampire off his meds, but to be honest, not that many."

"We’re only five years apart,” I said defiantly. “If you look at some of those dysfunctional vampyre relationships, we’re near normal."

"He knew how hot those rumbly-grumbly, gravel-voiced noises made her: hotter than two rats wrestling in a wool sock…only not as scratchy. Or as smelly. Probably less squeaky, too. But she had to be strong. For the sake of her children. For the sake of her winery. For the sake of her poor, battered heart. For the sake of this story, which would be over far too quickly if she gave in to him now."