Funny

"It's rude to stare, but the great thing about staring at a sedated person is that they don't know you're doing it."

"-"He loved her... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."-"It was stupid."

"I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?"

"I decided early in graduate school that I needed to do something about my moods. It quickly came down to a choice between seeing a psychiatrist or buying a horse. Since almost everyone I knew was seeing a psychiatrist, and since I had an absolute belief that I should be able to handle my own problems, I naturally bought a horse."

"Restaurants are minefields for the socially inept"

"Uh... ," Ivy stammered, and I glanced up to see her eyes wide in consideration."I'm kidding," I said. "It passed the lethal-amulet test, remember"Not that. You keep it in your underwear drawer"I hesitated, wondering why I was embarrassed. "Well, where do you put your elven magic" I asked."

"Now listen, we need to be quiet as mice. No, quieter than that. As quiet as . . . as . . .” “Dead mice?” Reynie suggested. “Perfect,” said Kate with an approving nod. “As quiet as dead mice."

"Maybe we should have gone with him," he said, a few minutes after his friend was lost to sight."Three of us would make four times the noise he will," Halt said. Horace frowned, not quite understanding the equation. "Wouldn't three of us make three times the noise"Halt shook his head. "Will and Tug will make hardly any noise. Neither will Abelard and I. But as for you and that moving earthquake you call a horse..." He gestured at Kicker and left the rest unsaid."

"Well, that cinched it. He was an asshole. I was definitely going to end up sleeping with him."

"Right. So no plans at all then"Jenna frowned. "Other than rocking in the fetal position for a while"Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered."

"I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd."

"When she absently worried her bottom lip with one of her adorable little fangs, he s"

"Yeah, well. I don’t try to be awesome. It just comes natural."

"Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers."

"Isobel moved farther into the kitchen, not knowing whether to be relieved that her mother hadn't had an atomic meltdown, or mortified that she'd taken it upon herself to play head chef with the nearest thing Trenton High had to a Dark Lord."

"Want to dance? We have music this time. And I don't have to punch you when we finish."

"The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show."

"Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around"

"The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming."

"You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A. M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh."