“My dad goes through war novels like I go through boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.”

“Growing up, I was discouraged from telling personal stories. My dad often used the phrase 'Don't tell anyone.' But not about creep...”

“I think that my regrets mostly have to do with my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Every once in a while, you get those flashba...”

“My first car was, as depicted in 'Sleepwalk with Me,' my mother's '92 Volvo station wagon that had 80,000 miles on it, and I had p...”

“It sounds so nerdy and pathetic, but what I always do on Sunday afternoon is bring my inbox down to zero, which is so sad. But e-m...”

“Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, '...”