Humor

"I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.
"

"Know your load. That’s rule numero uno in this business, which is why I make them count the penguins out in front of me one at a time. I’m not going to be the schmuck who shows up in Orlando twobirds short of a dinner party... I know I’m pulling out of Houston with exactly forty-two Gentoo penguins, seventeen Jamaican land iguanas, four tuataras from New Zealand, and a pair of rare, civet-like mammals called linsangs. No more, no less."

"The first rule of snooping is to come at it sideways--when you began writing me dizzy letters about Alexander, I didn't ask if you were in love with him, I asked what his favorite animal was. And your answer told me everything I needed to know about him--how many men would admit that they loved ducks?"

"I asked "What do you even do with a chimera"What wouldn't you do with a chimera" Jeff asked. "They're like the Swiss Army knife of animals."

"New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch."

"My family tree spreads wide as well. I am a great ape, and you are a great ape, and so are chimpanzees and orangutans and bonobos, all of us distant and distrustful cousins. I know this is troubling. I too find it hard to believe there is a connection across time and space, linking me to a race of ill-mannered clowns. Chimps. There's no excuse for them."

"If a fox strangles a goose just to eat the brains, you wouldn’t say the fox killed the brains. You’d say the fox offed the goose."

"Alma had been falling in love with a crazy terrier that thought “stay” mean to take off like a rocket. Gaby knew he’d already taken off with Alma’s heart."

"Such a nice ring…Dead Furry Friends Animal Shelter…so warm and comforting."

"Opposable thumbs are overrated."

"The first commandment of dog behavior: Thou shalt not hump. Thou shalt especially not hump in public. Thou shalt not hump thy neighbor’s wife, thy neighbor’s leg, or thy neighbor’s Jack Russell Terrier. - Belle, Dog Only Knows"

"My person says I don’t understand cause and effect. That’s not true, I get it: roll in the mud, you get the bath. But what shedoesn’t understand is, sometimes it’s just plain worth it. - Belle, Dog Only Knows"

"If you never leave me, I won't eat your stuff. - Belle, Dog Only Knows"

"The people knew then that Greg wasn't a monster, just a hungry animal."

"Kaylee giggled as he tunneled up inside her sleeve. Out popped his head for a quick look, then he took leave. He enjoyed scaling up, down and around her shirt. What a sweet, funny and adorable flirt."

"Jill showed friend Kay the cute white mice. They liked to run races for cheese. Mice were lots of fun to play with. Jill said, "Take Poopsie, the male one, please!"

"I saw my life flash before my eyes. It looked a lot like a Chihuahua with a severe overbite."

"Ugh!' snarled the Wolf, as he limped through the brushwood with his tail between his legs, 'this is perfectly monstrous weather. Why doesn't the Government look to it?"

"One morning she happened upon a bit of cloth decorated with pictures of little red squirrels carrying small, brown,nutsacks,and she nearly fainted away."

"Infant wart hogs resemble both sides of the family."