Humor

"Coincidences are like unicorns.you can believe in them all you want,but that doesn't make them real"

"If you didn't have me to rake you over the coals now and then, there wouldn't be any fire in your life at all."

"You want me to spy on a National Colour operative''Wow,' she said, 'you got it. I thought I was going to have to explain that one for a lot longer."

"You can't drive them around in the getaway van.' 'How about we don't call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.' 'So what should we call it' 'How about the van' 'It doesn't change what it is and that it's a shitty thing to do. Someone might see them in it."

"Who the hell calls at two in the morning"Maybe it's Matt Wilde, confessing his love," Lindsay says."Very funny,"

"To my astonishment I saw him standing at a table with Kitty Jones. It was the Kitty Jones bit that was astonishing. Not the table. Though it was very nicely polished."

"people don't generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something"

"I hope you're not smoking in front of her,' Lucia says to him.'Yeah, I lie in bed and puff in her face, Lucia,' he says, irritated."

"I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about PRINCESS.” He tilted his head and half curtseyed when he said the last word.“That! That is what I am talking about. Since we ran into the others you have been cold and more arrogant than usual.” She kept her voice low so the others would not hear.“Is that so? I would say I was averagely arrogant"

"I'm working from the assumption it's going to go horribly wrong. If we get out of here with limbs intact and no aspen slivers in uncomfortable places, we're calling it a win."Merit/Jonah"

"Time for the likeliest story since Mary told Joseph it was God’s."

"... Peabody had better retire to her bed; she is clearly in need of recuperative sleep, she has not made a sarcastic remark for fully ten minutes."

"... Though drowned was just as dead as any other way of dying."

"Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!"

"Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, "That'd better be your gun." "Why yes, I always pack my gun where it'll blow my balls off."[Landon]"

"You’d really give up your big, swanky apartment?”“If you don’t want to move in there with me, yes.”“But you love your apartment.”“I love you more, dumb ass."

"How can she create with all your negative energy"Yeah, man. You're bringing us down."This is about as low as it gets," Ariel said. "Where did you get those ridiculous black berets"Moth adjusted his recently donned beatnik attire. "This is what the hip cats wear , daddy-o."Can you dig it" Cobweb stroked a few wisps of fake chin hair, while the others nodded and snapped their fingers."

"The Amulet of Samarkand. It was Simon Lovelace's. Now it is yours. Soon it will be Simon Lovelace's again. Take it and enjoy the consequences."

"What - what - what are you doing" he demanded."I am almost six hundred years old," Magnus claimed, and Ragnor snorted, since Magnus changed his age to suit himself every few weeks. Magnus swept on. "It does seem about time to learn a musical instrument." He flourished his new prize, a little stringed instrument that looked like a cousin of the lute that the lute was embarrassed to be related to. "It's called a charango. I am planning to become a charanguista!"I wouldn't call that an instrument of music," Ragnor observed sourly. "An instrument of torture, perhaps."Magnus cradled the charango in his arms as if it were an easily offended baby. "It's a beautiful and very unique instrument! The sound box is made from an armadillo. Well, a dried armadillo shell."That explains the sound you're making," said Ragnor. "Like a lost, hungry armadillo."You are just jealous," Magnus remarked calmly. "Because you do not have the soul of a true artiste like myself."Oh, I am positively green with envy," Ragnor snapped."Come now, Ragnor. That's not fair," said Magnus. "You know I love it when you make jokes about your complexion."Magnus refused to be affected by Ragnor's cruel judgments. He regarded his fellow warlock with a lofty stare of superb indifference, raised his charango, and began to play again his defiant, beautiful tune. They both heard the staccato thump of frantically running feet from within the house, the swish of skirts, and then Catarina came rushing out into the courtyard. Her white hair was falling loose about her shoulders, and her face was the picture of alarm."Magnus, Ragnor, I heard a cat making a most unearthly noise," she exclaimed. "From the sound of it, the poor creature must be direly sick. You have to help me find it!"Ragnor immediately collapsed with hysterical laughter on his windowsill. Magnus stared at Catarina for a moment, until he saw her lips twitch."You are conspiring against me and my art," he declared. "You are a pack of conspirators."He began to play again. Catarina stopped him by putting a hand on his arm."No, but seriously, Magnus," she said. "That noise is appalling."Magnus sighed. "Every warlock's a critic."Why are you doing this"I have already explained myself to Ragnor. I wish to become proficient with a musical instrument. I have decided to devote myself to the art of the charanguista, and I wish to hear no more petty objections."If we are all making lists of things we wish to hear no more . . . ," Ragnor murmured. Catarina, however, was smiling."I see," she said."Madam, you do not see."I do. I see it all most clearly," Catarina assured him. "What is her name"I resent your implication," Magnus said. "There is no woman in the case. I am married to my music!"Oh, all right," Catarina said. "What's his name, then"His name was Imasu Morales, and he was gorgeous."

"... We are Nephilim; we fight our own battles." "That's not precisely true, is it" said a velvety voice. It was Magnus Bane, wearing a long and glittering coat, multiple hoops in his ears, and a roguish expression. Clary had no idea where he'd come from. "You lot have used the help of warlocks on more than one occasion in the past, and paid handsomely for it too." Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane." "They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down." "Really" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed." Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down."