Humor

"It’s a bit burned,” my mother would say apologetically at every meal, presenting you with a piece of meat that looked like something — a much-loved pet perhaps — salvaged from a tragic house fire. “But I think I scraped off most of the burned part,” she would add, overlooking that this included every bit of it that had once been flesh. Happily, all this suited my father. His palate only responded to two tastes - burned and ice cream — so everything suited him so long as it was sufficiently dark and not too startlingly flavorful. Theirs truly was a marriage made in heaven, for no one could burn food like my mother or eat it like my dad."

"First, I'm not getting married, so you can forget the wife. Second, if I was insane enough to get married, I wouldn't have kids. Third, if I was insane enough to get married and have kids, it would be a cold day in hell I'd let you babysit."

"My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me."

"You can't blame her,' said Amit. 'After a life so full of tragedy anyone would become hard.''What tragedy' asked Mrs. Chatterji.'Well, when she was four,' said Amit, 'her mother slapped her--it was quite traumatic--and then things went on in that vein. When she was twelve she came in second in an exam... It hardens you."

"She started dialing his cell, then hung up and tried the landline -- maybe Margaret was a better bet to pick up; their parents' generation still felt morally obligated to answer phones."

"Of course, to be fair, that was a parent's job. The world was so full of sharp bends that if they didn't put a few twists in you, you wouldn't stand a chance of fitting in."

"You're being parental', I said. 'Go find that squid'."

"Leave Dad alone" I told Aislinn. "His Britishness is sort-circuiting."

"I'm sure my parents must be proud. Or horrified. Or are bitterly arguing about whether they're proud or horrified, and have already hired lawyers to resolve the dispute. -Hayden Upchurch"

"It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, "My lady garden is going viral." In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing."

"The next my parents and Brianna come rollin' up in here, I'm gonna scream, "Hey! Why don't y'all just MOVE IN?!"

"The saddest realization I’ve had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment."

"Nightmares did come true. Because, after her second night of major loving with the man of her dreams, the absolute last person she ever wanted to see was her mother. Yet there she was, her small, hefty frame trundling up the stairs to Maira’s front door. She was so frozen with horror, she couldn’t move until she heard the doorbell ring. Don’t answer it. Maybe she’ll go away. Well, that was just stupid."

"There’s no winning arguments with your parents, so why get all pumped up over them? It is way better to dive down and get out of the way than it is to get clobbered by some parental tidal wave."

"Mom and Dad exchange a nervous glance and have a telepathic conversation about it. I hear every word. Do we let her out? It's past curfew. True, but look at that—at least she asked! I know! I can hardly believe it! She could have sneaked out, but she asked! I know! We're good parents! "What time will you be back" Dad asks."

"Clarity and focus doesn’t always come from God or inspirational quotes. Usually, it takes your mother to slap the reality back into you."

"Eventually, I manage to cheer Mum up by allowing her to go through my wardrobe and criticize all my clothes..."

"Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,"

"It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion"."

"For some reason when I type the word "love" in my i Pad it keeps autocorrecting to "live". I find it oddly profound. My ipad IS. My i Pad is ZEN: “Only the i Pad that autocorrects can write the true thing."