Humor

"I suppose that in no educational institution can one become an educated person."

"Our town was known for two things--no, three: salted fish, expertly dyed fabrics, and corruption."

"hobos' (a slang term that combines the words 'hope' and 'bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse')"

"Were you terrified, Murgatroyd" Murgatroyd nodded eagerly. "There you go, girl: You're a terrorist. You make me twitchy, and under Article Forty-One of the 2000 Terrorism Bill, that's all I need. Time for some reasonable force, I think."

"I've always felt I deserved a wider audience, so thank you for reading this."

"Since my trips to Earth, I've only managed to assemble a few basics facts about humans, condensing them in to four, overall points: kids got Reese's, teens got recess, adults got recessions, and seniors got receding."

"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout."

"An honest politician is an oxymoron."

"Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence."

"One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand."

"Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies."

"There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip."

"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God grante"

"Leave it to you to find a legal way to do something illegal"

"The hotness of a sex scene lies in the loins of the beholder."

"Neither would you, had you grown up in a library of melodramatic romance novels."

"Matt is a tortured soul,' Amanda insisted. 'He's Heathcliff and you're Cathy. He's Rochester and you're Jane Eyre. He's-''Darcy and I'm Elizabeth. I get it. And you're wrong."

"Have some carrots. They're good for your eyes."Then you have some fries. They're good for your... I don't know. They're just good."

"Kyle clapped his hands together. “Goody! The Zoe dates back some 3000 years to when the Greek gods ruled.”“Who’s Zoe?” I interjected. Kyle huffed. “It’s not a who, it’s a what."

"We did sometimes play jokes on each other. It was fun, until about a month ago when he attacked me with nerf guns when I walked in the door. I slipped while running away and fell on the coffee table. Let’s just say I wouldn’t be winning the most graceful woman’s award any time soon."