Humor

"You want useless, you have come to the right guy. I can be useless for hours at a time. Weeks even. I'm currently closing in on a month of being totally useless, which is by way of being a personal best."

"To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor."

"A king of a kingdom no one fucking knows about! I'm the tree in the forest that silently falls--when no one is around to be crushed! [Lothaire, Enemy of Old]"

"At last a lifetime ambition of mine to become a pimp was satisfied."

"True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner"

"Always stay one step a head, unless you’re already there"

"If I were you, I’d clear those cobwebs out because there isn’t a shop-vac out there strong enough to handle that job."

"Mr. Carter cleared his throat. “Soy sauce.” He deadpanned. “Really, Sera?"

"You should really be more careful who you let put their hands on you.” A silky male voice hummed as hot, minty breath wafted around her ear and danced slowly across her nose. Sera inhaled deeply, her skin prickled with goose bumps."

"We laughed together. It’s so lovely laughing with a man. It feels positive. Relaxed…"

"Oh fuck, he was right there. I was wet as hell and he could probably smell me now. I should have eaten strawberries or melon or a dozen roses or an entire mint plant. Did that work for women? I read an article that it worked for men. Their spunk tasted like what they ate. Did my vagina taste like spaghetti right now? God dammit! I shouldn't have eaten dinner!"

"I'm going to make love to you, Lanie. I'm not your first, but I will be the last."

"Shock? More like shellshock at this point. Blondie knew I was gay, yet he was a Company Exec or else he wouldn’t be here. I was his butt boy in the worst possible way. When I squinted at him, he gave nothing up. Neither did I. I had shit on this newly minted man too. Double fucking jeopardy, jackass."

"When I make love to you, Lanie, I want you to feel every inch of me buried deep inside of you, loving you, worshiping your body..."

"Well, fella, as much as I’d like to stick something up your ass, it ain’t gonna be my finger or anything else on my body—sorry to disappoint."

"You think all I can do is frog legs? I got Legs on my mind, alright, but yours. I’ll do whatever it takes the save the ass on top of ‘em and everything else, you hear me?"

"I want that little blonde bitch in the lobby to hear me screaming your name."

"Oh, doctor. I think I’m sick I need some penis-cilin.” I fake cough again into my hand."

"She had no idea how long they kissed—and kissed—but she didn’t think about stopping until she ran out of air. Breathing hard, she slowly opened her eyes and stared directly into his. They’d heated. Darkened. And something else. He wasn’t looking so relaxed now. In fact, he was looking the opposite of relaxed. He looked…feral. And she was his prey."

"I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. Once again he was close. Too close. So damn close. “At all,” she added, hearing with some alarm that her voice had softened. Everything had softened, at just his proximity. “Ever,” she whispered, and found her gaze locked on his mouth. He had a really great mouth.“I don’t want to talk, either,” that mouth said very seriously. And then he lowered his head and kissed her."