Humor

"Tonight sucked" my dad said and I started to laugh hearing him say that. "What" He smiled at me. "Isn't that the slang you kids are using? The lingo? Do I sound hip"I just shook my head. "The only hip I hear is the sound of yours breaking."

"I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect."

"They tell you the devil is in the details…what they don’t tell you is that he’s laughing maniacally."

"But Princess Magnolia wore glass slippers on weekdays. Princess Magnolia was afraid of snails. Sunlight made Princess Magnolia sneeze. And at the moment, the Princess in Black was hog-tying a monster."

"In other words, he was the tree in the forest that silently fell--when no one was around to be crushed."

"Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?"

"My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted."

"I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before."

"I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case."

"Professional is an apt definition for me, professional slouch, that is. I can be very professional at seeming to do work, but the real work is trying to do as little as possible, without getting caught by Trip or any nosey busybodies."

"I'm overweight, despise change, and rarely, if ever, initiate anything. Unlike my friends, I’ve had no drama in my life which might qualify as box office material. If a little more drama came my way, however, I would probably need to purchase some courage in order to withstand it. Oh well, if a bit of change equals a bit of drama, I’m willing to risk it."

"After a few more minutes of daydreaming about how fabulous I could become, I look down at the heading on my paper: Janey's Reinvention Plan. It appears lonely at the top of the page. I should probably add some bullets beneath, but I've never been much of a list maker."

"Orange is the New Black is a really boring porn."

"Writing isn't a choice. It's a calling. So answer the damn phone already!"

"The P-38 WWII Nazi handgun looks comical lying on the breakfast table next to a bowl of oatmeal."

"At the dockside I was pleasantly surprised to find the North wasn't all hairy men in animal skins. There was also hairy women in animal skins."

"When people ask how old I am, I just tell them twenty-one, and if they assume I mean years instead of decades or centuries, then that can't be my fault, can it?"

"The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very “there.” The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale."

"Writing something new is an effective way to get rid of writer's block. Or you can observe the people around you and fantasize like I do."

"Kloo nodded at Lex in an indescribably maternal way, somehow cramming a lifetime of compassion, support, and tenderness all into one slight bounce of the head."