Humor

"..,When the call ended, Haley went back into the bedroom where Falon was lying in bed with an arm over her eyes. “That was Cindy, right?” Falon asked. “Yes, and my parents are driving her crazy. I have to call them. If you want a laugh, listen to my half of the conversation.” Haley climbed into the bed next to Falon and leaned her back against the headboard. She blew out a breath and pressed a button on her phone. “Hey, Dad, I’m… I am fine… yes, I can hear you both… Well, I’m sorry… I am fine,” Haley said forcefully. “No… no… I mean it, no. I’m a grown—late tonight. No… no… absolutely not. Neither of you drive at night—no. I said no. I’m fine… I am fine… no.” She grinned at Falon when she laughed softly. “I’m not alone… no. Another ship passenger—female. No… I know. I’m a grown woman! Yes, I realize that—no! Well, this is why…. no. Yes, but don’t show up before dawn. No. That doesn’t make any sense, no. This call is a dollar a minute… no. Yes, you can bring breakfast. Yes, I will do that—I just said I would do that. Yes… no. Yes. I love you, too, bye.” “That was exhausting,” Falon said with a laugh when Haley released a heavy breath and dropped her phone into her lap."

"Dear Me, Talk about getting the wind knocked out of your sails when your best friend tells you you’re turning into a grumpy hermit. She told me that at breakfast today, and I was in denial until I talked to Chase, that little fucker. I made myself happy by soaking his ass five times before lunch. I did some soul searching, and I don’t think I’m depressed, but I do think I’m becoming too comfortable with being by myself. I’m really beginning to enjoy the company of cats more than people, and that’s probably not a good thing. Sprout and Ginger are so cute right now. Ginger’s cleaning Sprout’s head, and he’s smiling. Sometimes he’ll…yeah, I really need to get out more. I think life would be simpler if people acted more like cats. Like if someone is prattling on about something I don’t care about and I pop them in the forehead, they’d understand to walk away just like a cat does. A simple hiss conveys so much. I will attempt to gradually release myself back into a social environment. Me"

"Dear Me, I made a jackass out of myself tonight. I couldn’t stop it. The second I saw Stacy, I sprouted big donkey ears and a tail. I don’t know why she gets under my skin. Why should I care what she thinks of me? She’ll be gone right along with Jason when Alana gets bored. Alana’s lasagna was terrible. No one noticed that I was slipping the harder pieces of it into my salad bowl and hiding them under the lettuce. It’s a good thing they don’t have a dog because if it was to eat the scraps, it would surely die. Jason and Stacy are gonna be shitting pasta shards. I feel sorry for Jason, not so much for Stacy. I’ll have to patch things up with Alana, so this may not be the right time to tell her that her cooking is lethal. She was pissed when I left her house. I’m sure she’ll tell Mom and Grammy I was a jerk. Jason was probably mad at me too. I feel a little bad about that. Me"

"Me and Jason against you and Stacy.” Alana handed Alexis a badminton racket and grinned. “Yay,” Alexis said without even a smidgeon of enthusiasm. “Do you want to serve?” Stacy asked Alexis when Jason and Alana moved to the other side of the net. “Serve you what? There’s no staff here to take care of your every whim, princess,” Alexis said lowly so the others wouldn’t hear. Stacy recoiled at the remark, then her temper flared. “You know what I was asking,” she replied coolly. “You can serve. Here’s the birdie,” Alexis replied and handed it to her on her middle finger. “Shuttlecock,” Stacy corrected. “Butthole…cock.” Alexis shrugged when Stacy glared at her. “That’s what we used to call them.” “Uh-huh,” Stacy said as she prepared to serve. The birdie sailed over the net,and volley began. This went on for a few minutes, then Alexis heard a hard thwack behind her, and the birdie stung her on the back of the thigh. She turned and looked at Stacy with fire in her eyes. “My bad,” Stacy said nonchalantly. Alexis picked up the birdie and hit it toward Jason. He served again. Stacy returned and nailed Alexis in the back of the head. “I’m so sorry,” Stacy said with an acerbic smile. “I’m having a hard time getting my shuttlecock up for you.” ... An intense volley began, and Alana said, “Uh, hey, y’all are supposed to be hitting it to us.” Jason watched in fascination. “I think they’re trying to kill the birdie.” Alexis finally missed and snatched it off the ground. “We were just warming up.” “Yeah, I’m good and hot now,” Stacy added between clenched teeth...“My serve,” Alexis said as she whirled around, then lowered her voice as she passed Stacy. “You’re about to find out whywe call them butthole cocks.” Stacy held her racket out like a sword. “How about I just waffle your ass now?” Alexis struck a fencing pose, or at least she thought she did. “On guard, biatch.”... Alana rushed under the net and stepped between the two staring daggers at each other. “Hey, we want to be able to use these rackets again. Maybe we should take a break since y’all kind of murdered the birdie.” Alana laughed. “It’s missing two plastic feathers..."

"... Falon sucked hard on her straw and swallowed. “You haven’t mentioned a girlfriend or a wife.” “That’s because I don’t have one.” Haley touched the tip of her nose with her finger. “Whew, I’m feeling good. I should drink more often. My ex left me a year ago for someone else,” she admitted and giggled. “I’ve been surviving on a steady diet of hate and loathing.” Falon raised her cup. “Whatever works, right?” “Yeah, I guess,” Haley agreed with a shrug and a grin. “She always complained that I wouldn’t allow myself to be exciting. Look at me now, though, I’m stranded in another country with no money or passport, wearing shorts with sea turtles on them with no underwear. I’m drunk with someone I don’t know who could very well kill me in my sleep.” The empty cup dropped from her hand onto the floor as her head lolled back against the chair. “I’m fucking exciting now."

"Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going."

"All real estate agents should be put on a decommissioned naval frigate which is then towed out into the deepest part of the Atlantic and sunk. It's rather unfortunate that, in recent years, real estate agents have become comedy betes-noires. Rather like lawyers or used car salesmen. Every time they mention their job they probably get people amusingly making the sign of the cross at them or are subjected to some good-natured, humorous ribbing. This has the effect of distorting what I'm trying to say here, which isn't in the nature of a smiling roll of the eyes and a "Tsk, real estate agents, eh" but rather "All real estate agents should be put on a decommissioned naval frigate which is then towed out into the deepest part of the Atlantic and sunk."

"He is a man, I think," he said, "who cares for nothing but a joke. He is a dangerous man."Lambert laughed in the act of lifting some macaroni to his mouth."Dangerous!" he said. "You don't know little Quin, sir!"Every man is dangerous," said the old man, without moving, "Who cares only for one thing. I was once dangerous myself."

"I don't know whether to be proud or appalled that danger, blood and death inspire you so."

"The pillow whistled across the room and smacked him in the face. Nicolas smiled, satisfied. If he was going to die, this was the man he wanted to die beside."

"Taylor,” Nathan said, “Why didn’t you take the rest of us?” “I didn’t want to put you in danger,” she said. “Gee, thanks,” I said. “Hey, I brought Jayden, remember? He insisted on bringing you.” “Gee, thanks,” Jayden crossed his arms and frowned."

"There was a sound of steel meeting steel. Devin flung a desperate look over his shoulder, saw Hewet fending off two men behind him, and looked ahead in time to see ten men in light armor ride out of the trees up ahead and drive straight for him. He almost swallowed the flute. He threw an arm over his face, too shocked to be terrified, and waited to die."

"Should we keep on the lookout for tigers?” Kenda asked his guide.“Yes,” Shahin said, his voice lowering again. “They like to pounce from behind. I've been watching our backs ever since we lost the thugs. I meant to tell you once you calmed down. Now that you know, you can help me.”“Then we are being followed?” He hoped his voice did not squeak.“Yes,” Shahin repeated gravely. “By whom or what, I do not know.”“This just gets better and better,” he groaned."

"I'll keep my head down," Mally assured him. "I'll be careful."If anything happens---"If anything happens I'll tell you immediately."Ivan seemed pleased at that and relaxed against a tree trunk."Good. I don't want your mother chasing me around Lenzar with a carving knife."

"I can’t relate to your razzle-dazzle, your wish for voluptuous when my symphony is spanx."

"My bottom is my deliquent daughter. I lavish praise upon her cheeks when she's well behaved and when she gets out of control, I pretend she isn't mine."

"Yes, it's comforting to know, when you think about it, that only man can be a bastard"

"I mean, wha comfort does pretendin to be a Buddhist or wharrever give him? What's wrong with pretendin to be a Catholic like the rest of us?"

"Sticking a straw up your butt won't get rid of the constipation."

"While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic, as well as the eastern philosophies and of course the teachings of Mohammed, I find that organized religion has corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history. Were I to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite."