Humor

"If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)"

"Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so. The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer"

"They want your sons.”“My–? But I don’t… ew!"

"If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent."

"Q: Best part about being a musical theatre book writer?A: Explaining what that is."

"You know you're officially an adult when you finally understand WHY Miss Hannigan was drinking bath water."

"I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time."

"She meant to write: "Is Christy here yet"Auto Correct turned it into: "Is crazy here yet"For once Auto Correct got it right."

"You pay for that,” he told Ian as he hopped off the hood. “You pay for that, now.”Ian and Peter ignored him, circling around the car. The passenger jumped out and ran off at a sprint, as if the very hounds of hell were nipping at his heels. The taxi driver watched him go and stamped his foot in rage. “You pay for him, too,” he yelled at the men, seething in anger."

"If life takes you long way, take a shortcut!"

"Someone has opened the flood gates of stupidity..."

"If that phone ain't ringing, I assume it still ain't you" Randy Travis"

"I’d like to THANK the genius who saw a bunch of cherries and thought... HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them “BEANS”, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!!!!"

"You know, in some cultures, when you save someone's life, you're then responsible for it."Allison thought about telling him she'd seen the same movie and was pretty sure the claim was bogus. Instead, she offered her own bit of nonsense. "In some cultures, saving a life is considered an interference with fate and is punishable by death."

"Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but … what?"

"I would rather write a book without a title if my true friend chooses to live in a million dollar home in London and acts foreign."

"I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food"."

"This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn't be!" - Governor Dewar"

"Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~"

"Mr. Morrow, IOI owns this network..." "Of course they do!" Morrow shouted gleefully. 'The own practically everything! Including you, pretty boy! I mean did they tattoo a UPC code on your ass when they hired you to sit there and spout their corporate propaganda?"