Funny

"I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone."

"you're so full of shit, you ought to be a cow manure"

"Haskell to Quinlin You need anything, Quin, absolutely anything, you call me and I'll be there. Remember, friends help you move. Good friends help you move a body. Best friends bring their own shovel. You say the word, and I'll be there with a spanking new shovel. Or holy water and an exorcism ritual. Whatever works."

"Why must this be so mortifying? Oh, that's right. Because its my life."

"Okay, so, flying,” I started, taking a deep breath and focusing on the thing I loved most in the world. “Flying is … great. It feels great when you’re doing it. It’s fun. Pure freedom. There’s nothing better.”Dylan smiled, a slow, easy smile that seemed to light up his whole face.“So the first thing we’re going to do,” I told him, “is push you off the roof."

"No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy."

"You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone."

"As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up."

"(Sookie's Thoughts on Debbie Pelt) she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and—oh—tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair."

"As always, she was carrying the washing. Rudy was carrying two buckets of cold water, or as he put it, two buckets of future ice."

"I never meant it," he was saying. "Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it,seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something... What do I do? What can I do...?"

"If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth"

"Amelie said, “I won’t be your servant in Morganville. Nor should you be mine. Equals.” She offered her hand to him, and he looked down at it, clearly taken aback. But he took it. “Now defend what is ours, my partner.”He grinned … grinned! … and whirled to meet Myrnin in midleap as Myrnin attacked."

"Somehow the idea of Montgomery as a fairy doesn't have the same effect on me as it appears to have on you.-Raphael"

"I know more damn perverts, at schools and all, than anybody you ever met, and they’re always being perverty when I’m around."

"He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. "You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don't you, Mouse"Nope!"Ahhh, I'm hurt. Nobody likes me."

"Nothing says awkward like coming in your pants while dry humping."

"Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase."I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk."They're for you."You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?"

"Halt," said Horace, "I've been thinking..."Halt and Will exchanged an amused glance. "Always a dangerous pastime," they chorused. For many years, it had been Halt's unfailing response when Will had made the same statement. Horace waited patiently while they had their moment of fun, then continued."Yes, yes. I know. But seriously, as we said last night, Macindaw isn't so far away from here..."And" Halt asked, seeing how Horace had left the statement hanging."Well, there's a garrison there and it might not be a b ad idea for one of to go fetch some reinforcements. It wouldn't hurt to have a dozen knights and men-at-arms to back us up when we run into Tennyson."But Halt was already shaking his head."Two problems, Horace. It'd take too long for one of us to get there, explain it all and mobilize a force. And even if we could do it quickly, I don't think we'd want a bunch of knights blundering around the countryside, crashing through the bracken, making noise and getting noticed." He realized that statement had been a little tactless. "No offense, Horace. Present company excepted, of course."

"S'mimasen," Alyss said repeatedly as they brushed against passerby. "What does that mean" Will asked as they reached a stretch of street bare of any other pedestrians. He was impressed by Alyss's grasp of the local language. "It means 'pardon me,'" Alyss replied, but then a shadow of doubt crossed her face. "At least, I hope it does. Maybe I'm saying 'you have the manners of a fat, rancid sow."