Funny

"He bursts into tears, and not some manlike tears either, where you pretend you're brushing something off your face and, incidentally, wipe a tear. Nope. He starts bawling like a kid who spilled his Slushie..."

"We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major media conglomerates, except for AOL, who now apparently own all our thoughts and teeth."

"If ye canna see the bright side o' life, polish the dull side"

"Nothing says "deeply in mourning" like canapés and free beer."

"We look forward to seeing all of your Vaseline coated smiles terribly soon."

"Just curious,she mouthed."What? I didn't catch that."Jjuussttccuurriioouuss. She drew it out this time, hoping he'd be able to read her lips."If you spoke out loud," he drawled, "I might understand what you're saying."Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless'flat than the floor."Owww!" he yelled. Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed. I didn't mean it."If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought."

"A woman’s magazine quiz:Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, “Was it good for you?”You:a. Say, “God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life”b. Say, “Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man.”c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, “That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished"

"Fuck," Ranger said. Ranger didn't often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door popped open.."

"Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you."

"I hated meatloaf. It was like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. So I told Mom because I was honest that way. I sat back, squared my shoulders, and met her eyes, all confident-like."Mom, meatloaf's like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. It should be outlawed, frankly, and serving it for dinner is like child abuse and should carry with it some pretty stiff penalties."

"Otulissa swelled up to twice her normal size. 'Well, SPRINK ON YOUR SPRONK!"

"If there's a sexier sound on this planet than the person you're in love with cooing over the crepes you made for him, I don't know what it is."

"So what's your team called" asked Kate, twisting her legs into a pretzel-like configuration, "We're called the Winmates because we're inmates who win." Kate looked back and forth at Reynie and Constance, searching their expression for signs of delight. "You gave yourselves a name" asked Constance. Now it was Kate's turn to be baffled. "You didn't? How can you have a team without a name?"

"And the last thought he had that morning as he closed his eyes was: I hope the tornado hit the moose."

"What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer."

"Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You're going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?"

"If Duncan was ever into men then he's been so far in the closet he's been living in Narnia."

"Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business."

"And I like a good horror story as much as the next person so long as they kill off some men too and not just girls. But the voices Joan heard were real. There’s clear and substantiated proof they were real. She won battles that would otherwise have been lost because of what those voices told her in advance of them allowing the French generals to strategize in ways completely different than they did before Joan came along. People’s lives were saved because of what those voices told her."

"I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book."