Funny

"Seth turns to Laney and I. "Three months ago, I'm in Detroit protesting a free trade conference, right? Some pig shoves me, I go flying into another, next thing I know I'm on the ground with a Taser in my back. I get thrown in city jail, no money and one phone call. So I call Jake. You know what this fucker did? He dropped everything, drove up and bailed me out, no questions."Like I could just leave you," Jake says. "You're too pretty. You're a delicate flower. They would've ripped you apart in there."

"I lost myself immediately in one of the books, only emerging when the phone rang.“Dashiell?” my father intoned. As if someone else with my voice might be answering the phone at my mother’s apartment.“Yes, Father?”“Leeza and I would like to wish you a merry Christmas.”“Thank you, Father. And to you, as well.”[awkward pause][even more awkward pause]“I hope your mother isn’t giving you any trouble.”Oh, Father, I love it when you play this game.“She told me if I clean all the ashes out of the grate, then I’ll be able to help my sisters get ready for the ball.”“It’s Christmas, Dashiell. Can’t you give that attitude a rest?”“Merry Christmas, Dad. And thanks for the presents.”“What presents?”“I’m sorry—those were all from Mom, weren’t they?”“Dashiell …”“I gotta go. The gingerbread men are on"

"It was like watching an angsty hormone-fueled train wreck and firmly cemented my resolve to be at least twenty-five before I considered getting hitched."

"Now I really feel sorry for her. Your hand is as bad as Rob’s paddle,” Cassie shuddered.“Thank you.”“I didn’t mean it as a compliment!"

"I know it’s technically goodwill to all men, but in my mind, I drop the men because that feels segregationist/elitist/sexist/generally bad ist. Goodwill shouldn’t be just for men. It should also apply to women and children, and all animals, even the yucky ones like subway rats. I’d evenextend the goodwill not just to living creatures but to the dearly departed, and if we include them, we might as well include the undead, thosesupposedly mythic beings like vampires, and if they’re in, then so are elves, fairies, and gnomes. Heck, since we’re already being so generous in ourbig group hug, why not also embrace those supposedly inanimate objects like dolls and stu"

"We'll never find that one, and I'll be blamed," announced Edd Tollett, the dour grey-haired squire everyone called Dolorous Edd. "Nothing ever goes missing that they don't look at me, ever since that time I lost my horse. As if that could be helped. He was white and it was snowing, what did they expected"

"I was so high, I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass."

"Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat."

"We were kissing. I thought: This is good. I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all. I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe. Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. "You slobbered on my nose," she said, and laughed."

"Llamas can drive... they just don't know it yet..."

"Are you scared of going in to see the raghnaid [the council]?” asked a gray female pup. “Are you cag mag [crazy]? If a bear was his Milk Giver, you think he’s scared of the raghnaid?"

"Show some respect. They were your grandparents. -Batman Just names and dusty frames on the wall to me. -Damien I take exception to that. There is not a speck of dust collecting on those portraits. -Alfred"

"And even if we did, which we didn't, it's none of your business."Okay."I just wanted you to know."Okay."If you say okay one more time, I'm going to punch you in the solar plexus."His eyebrows jump. "The solar plexus, huh"Yes," I say. "I'm not exactly sure where that is, but I will find out. And then I will punch you there. Hard."

"No problem. Just drop it back off before you go," he says, procuring a brass key. "And if he puts on Bowie's early stuff and starts sweet-talking, dammit, you run. You run as fast as you can."

"Father Michael has entered the room Wildflower: Ah don’t tell me you’re through a divorce yourself Father? Sure One: Don’t be silly Wildflower, have a bit of respect! He’s here for the ceremony. Wildflower: I know that. I was just trying to lighten the atmosphere. Father Michael: So have the loving couple arrived yet? Sure One: No but it’s customary for the bride to be late. Father Michael: Well is the groom here? Single Sam has entered the room Wildflower: Here he is now. Hello there Single Sam. I think this is the first time ever that both the bride and groom will have to change their names. Single Sam: Hello all. Buttercup: Where’s the bride? Lonely Lady: Probably fixing her makeup. Wildflower: Oh don’t be silly. No one can even see her. Lonely Lady: Single Sam can see her. Sure One: She’s not doing her makeup; she’s supposed to keep the groom waiting. Single Sam: No she’s right here on the laptop beside me. She’s just having problems with her password logging in. Sure One: Doomed from the start. Divorced_1 has entered the room Wildflower: Wahoo! Here comes the bride, all dressed in . . . Single Sam: Black. Wildflower: How charming. Buttercup: She’s right to wear black. Divorced_1: What’s wrong with misery guts today? Lonely Lady: She found a letter from Alex that was written 12 years ago proclaiming his love for her and she doesn’t know what to do. Divorced_1: Here’s a word of advice. Get over it, he’s married. Now let’s focus the attention on me for a change. So Over Him has entered the room Father Michael: OK let’s begin. We are gathered here online today to witness the marriage of Single Sam (soon to be “Sam”) and Divorced_1 (soon to be “Married_1”). So Over Him: WHAT?? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? THIS IS A MARRIAGE CEREMONY IN A DIVORCED PEOPLE CHAT ROOM?? Wildflower: Uh-oh, looks like we got ourselves a gate crasher here. Excuse me can we see your wedding invite please? Divorced_1: Ha ha. So Over Him: YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK, COMING IN HERE AND TRYING TO UPSET OTHERS WHO ARE GENUINELY TROUBLED. Buttercup: Oh we are genuinely troubled alright. And could you please STOP SHOUTING. Lonely Lady: You see So Over Him, this is where Single Sam and Divorced_1 met for the first time. So Over Him: OH I HAVE SEEN IT ALL NOW! Buttercup: Sshh! So Over Him: Sorry. Mind if I stick around? Divorced_1: Sure grab a pew; just don’t trip over my train. Wildflower: Ha ha. Father Michael: OK we should get on with this; I don’t want to be late for my 2 o’clock. First I have to ask, is there anyone in here who thinks there is any reason why these two should not be married? Lonely Lady: Yes. Sure One: I could give more than one reason. Buttercup: Hell yes. So Over Him: DON’T DO IT! Father Michael: Well I’m afraid this has put me in a very tricky predicament. Divorced_1: Father we are in a divorced chat room, of course they all object to marriage. Can we get on with it? Father Michael: Certainly. Do you Sam take Penelope to be your lawful wedded wife? Single Sam: I do. Father Michael: Do you Penelope take Sam to be your lawful wedded husband? Divorced_1: I do (yeah, yeah my name is Penelope). Father Michael: You have already e-mailed your vows to me so by the online power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. Now if the witnesses could click on the icon to the right of the screen they will find a form to type their names, addresses, and phone numbers. Once that’s filled in just e-mail it off to me. I’ll be off now. Congratulations again. Father Michael has left the room Wildflower: Congrats Sam and Penelope! Divorced_1: Thanks girls for being here. So Over Him: Freaks. So Over Him has left the room"

"Stupid bitch," he spits, and that's when I mentally punch him in the face. Except it isn't just mentally—it's for real, my closed fist is actually moving. It hits him square in the nose with a sickening crunch."Oh my God," Laney breathes from behind me."Oh my God," Jake says from the floor. My eyes widen. "Oh my God."

"I’m looking for Fat Hoochie Prom Queen,” I declared. He did not respond.“It’s a book,” I said. “Not a person.”Nope. Nothing.“At the very least, can you tell me the author?”He looked at his computer, as if it had some way to speak to me without any typing on his part.“Are you wearing headphones that I can’t see?” I asked. He scratched at the inside of his elbow.“Do you know me?” I persisted. “Did I grind you to a pulp in kindergarten, and are you now getting sadistic pleasure from this petty revenge?Stephen Little, is that you? Is it? I was much younger then, and foolish to have nearly drowned you in that water fountain. In my defense, yourprior destruction of my book report was a completely unwarranted act of aggression.”Finally, a response. The information desk clerk shook his shaggy head.“No?” I said.“I am not allowed to disclose the location of Fat Hoochie Prom Queen,” he explained. “Not to you. Not to anyone. And while I am not Stephen Little, you should be ashamed of what you did to him. Ashamed."

"The workshop door opened and Skulduggery emerged. "Ryan," he said, "stop leaning on my car."

"Larry’s such a liar---He tells outrageous lies. He says he’s ninety-nine years old Instead of only five. He says he lives up on the moon,He says that he once flew. He says he’s really six feet four Instead of three feet two. He says he has a billion dollars‘Stead of just a dime. He says he rode a dinosaur Back in some distant time. He says his mother is the moon Who taught him magic spells. He says his father is the wind That rings the morning bells. He says he can take stones and rocks And turn them into gold. He says he can take burnin’ fire And turn it freezin’ cold. He said he’d send me seven elves To help me with my chores. But Larry’s such a liar---He only sent me four."

"You named the chicken, Chicken" She looked embarrassed. "When we decided not to kill it, I got attached."