Humor

"Nevertheless, he had, on a certain star-lit evening, said wonderingly and quite reverently: "Deh moon looks like hell, don't it?"

"I felt the human disease that is ignorance suddenly leave my body. Just like that. Like a hot, desperate piss after a long car ride."

"Golden Arches' are the gateway to the afterlife."

"All life is in vain, for Death makes a nonsense of pain."

"What happens when the hitcher and the driver are equally murderous?"

"I love those dark moments in Peanuts. I love that they're in there, that Charles Schulz put the sad lonely bits of himself into the comic. I love the silliness too, the dancing Snoopy strips. The little boy Rerun drawing "basement" comics about Tarzan fighting Daffy Duck in a helicopter. Those are the bits that keep me reading. The funny parts! The fun parts. The silly bits that don't make any sense. And when I get to the sad lonely Peppermint Patty standing in a field wondering why nobody shook hands and said "good game," well, it works because that's not all she was. I try to think that way about everything. That's the kind of person I want to be."

"Nothing shows you the straight line from here to death like a list."

"Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her"

"Murderous thieves make their home here." She failed to keep the tremor from her voice. "Absolutely," Jonas replied."Dangerous animals too."Without a doubt."She slanted a look toward him. "Perfect place for you."He repressed a snort. "Oh, such compliments, your highness. You're going to make me blush."

"I believe you are one of the people that can lift the corners of the universe."

"Funny thing, employment. If you keep doing it, you keep getting paid."

"He was a man who was charged with the work he did in life because he was not one to ask questions - not so much on account of any natural quality of discretion as because he simply could never think of any questions to ask... On the strength of which he had guaranteed himself regular employment for as long as he cared to live."

"It's almost never the kind of person you are but the kind of job you do decides how much you get paid."

"What is love when it's not for dopamine?"

"Well why don't you lean over this counter a little more and give me your best kiss, and then I'll tell you if I want you to take me out to dinner."

"It is not what they say, but the reaction that tells you everything you need to know."

"Wherever she went, he went, and almost without exception, she chose the direction that promised the most peril. Darius shook his head, and the corners of his mouth curved upward. If nothing else, at least she was consistent."

"Today was the introduction, and introductions were important. The girl had to meet the boy in an equal setting – if they met any other way there’d always be a question about whether it was True Love or a more financially motivated desire that awakened the passions."

"We did the usual beauty, grace, anti-dirt spell, voice of a songbird, the works…it is never that kind of beauty that we gift. It is a spell. You are the most beautiful woman in the world to your true love. To everyone else, well… that’s up to nature. But, you are decently pretty. I don’t know why you are complaining."

"Jasmine believes in a prophecy that says she is destined to love a man named Josh Toby. Okay, fine. He could believe that. Hell, he had friends who believed carbohydrates were the work of the devil. True love made sense at least."