Humor

"When I am old and addled I will make coronets like Cad, that have nothing to do with history, but represent the whimsy and cobwebs in my brain."

"At weddings old people poke me and say, "you're next," so I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."

"And there was this sweet-looking little old lady with her white hair in a bun and everything, the typical grandmother type, and she was swearing her head off. I guess Alzheimer's had brought out her inner sailor."

"We were all so young that there were no lines on our faces to read between."

"Twenty-seven.”His brow puckered, and he blinked over at her. “Twenty-seven hundred years, right?”If he were speaking to Taliyah, yes. “No. Just twenty-seven plain, ordinary years.”“You don’t mean human years, do you?”“No. I mean dog years,” she said dryly, then pressed her lips together. Where was the filter that was usually poised over her mouth? Strider didn’t seem to mind, though. Rather, he seemed stupefied. Would Sabin have had the same reaction were he awake? “What’s so hard to believe about my age?” As the question echoed between them, a thought occurred to her and she blanched. “Do I look ancient?”“No, no. Of course not. But you’re immortal. Powerful."

"Thirty--the promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning brief-case of enthusiasm, thinning hair."

"John Wesley’s own grave holds the bones of many other people, including at least five ministers. One can only imagine the bickering."

"Prepare a gentle but firm response to use the next time someone feels they have a right to comment on your life decisions. You might say something like, "I'm sure you have my best interest at heart, and I thank you for your concern. However, you didn't experience what I did, so you can't understand what I went through. I made the best decisions I could based on what happened in my life. I know you will honor my right to decide what is best for me, just as I allow you to decide what is best for you."

"You know you’re dealing with a numpty when her saving grace is that she didn’t help to cover up a murder."

"It could have been a thief or a murderer. I considered crying out. A thief would run away, but a murderer would murder me. On the other hand, the murderer would probably murder me if I didn't too. That was his whole thing."

"The Proclaimers thunder through my head. Imagine it. Imagine killing someone to the tune of two Scottish nerds wearing glasses and flattop haircuts. How will I ever listen to that song again? What will I do if it comes on the radio? I'll think of the night I murdered another man and stole his life with my own hands."

"He expects us to kill him," Palomides said to Dinadan."Some people are so demanding," Dinadan replied. "Considering we've only just met, I mean."

"The police, finding a corpse with twenty-eight stab wounds in a bathtub, suspected foul play."

"He runs his eye along the row of knives in their racks, the cleavers for splitting bones. He picks one up, looks at its edge, decides it needs sharpening and says, "Do you think I look like a murderer? In your good opinion"A silence. After a while, Thurston proffers, "At this moment, master, I would have to say..."

"Murder and a glass of wine: priceless"

"... Play the age as comedy if you want to get away with murder."

"Don’t go,” said Cedric. “Murder has made you practically one of the family."

"You know, when the list of people who have a really good reason to want you dead covers more than two sheets of paper, you might want to start rethinking your life choices."

"Don't make me cover your face with a pillow until you see my side of things."Isn't that called murder?"

"That’s quite the specific search...'Sadistic Old-Bag-Murdering Witches'—I can’t even begin to imagine what that involves."