Humor

"You are such a kind and caring man, and so sizzling hot and studly. Please, please don’t go nutty on me."

"Do you expect to learn anything at Shiz?” he asked. “I have already learned not to speak to strangers.” “Then I will introduce myself and we will be strangers no longer. I am Dillamond.” “I am disinclined to know you."

"Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks!"

"Would you like to stand next to me and introduce yourself to the class'' Smiled Mr Zimmerman, the English teacher. Nope, I would rather turn into bat! Leave me the heck alone. Ughh, why is it teachers ask ' Would you like to' No teen ever wants to stand in front of strangers and be forced to talk about them. - Lenore Lee from Whitby After Dark"

"Why do you haunt me? You, like a tattoo on my tongue, like the bay leaf at the bottom of every pan. You who sprawled out beside me and sang my horoscope to a Schubert symphony, something about travel and money again, and we lay there, both of our breaths bad, both of our underwear dangling elastic, and then you turned toward me with a gaze like two matches, putting the horoscope aside, you traced my buried ribs with your index finger, lingered at my collarbone, admiring it as one might a flying buttress, murmuring: Nice clavicle. And me, too new at it and scared, not knowing what to say, whispering: You should see my ten-speed."

"When she saw me, my mother stood up and started to come toward me, but then stopped. I think maybe Cat Poop had told her not to make any sudden movements because they might scare me, like I’m a wild animal or something, because she kept looking at him and then at me. Finally she just said, “Hello, Jeff,” and sat down again next to my father."

"You're Professor Mills? The new one who teaches history"As opposed to the old Professor Mills who preached overthrow of the government?"

"That's the spirit! Make it chicken broth or nothing. That's putting the old foot down. If she's determined to have a nervous breakdown, the least we can do is see that she doesn't have it in peace."

"Fine. Okay. I killed her. But I didn’t mean to. And I didn’t kill her, kill her.”“Oh, I see. As long as you didn’t kill her, kill her, then that’s okay."

"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."

"The Death Mist is not for helping!" Akhlys shrieked. "It shrouds mortals in misery as their souls pass into the Underworld. It is the very breath of Tartarus, of death, of despair!"Awesome," Percy said. "Could we get two orders of that to go?"

"Julio was willing to bet that Officer "I've Seen It All" Mac had never seen a horde of black-skinned demons wearing rags and armor and carrying swords and spears, dragging a naked woman and a chubby boy by a rope. No, he was willing to bet his left nut that even officer Mac had never seen such a thing."

"I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. 'We spent one night together.''You had sex then''No we crocheted a quilt.' I cocked my head to side and gave him my nastiest glare." Lorelei Preston to Agent Brody-The Wild Hunt"

"Hello, Mrs. Tran... I have David's homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you'll pay me the two million dollars I asked for."

"If your career doesn’t work out, write a book about it."

"Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:"I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair cut, but it keeps on growing again."One of the tall men looked at him with the air of a pained naturalist."

"I'm sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay?"

"Liraz snorted, caught off guard, and the tension between them ebbed away. "I'm sorry of my almost dying interrupted your almost kissing."

"She washed he hands,then looked at my side. "you haven't even had it stitched" She said incredulously."I've been rather busy," I said. "With the running like hell and hiding all night."

"Do I have to get diapers?” he asked.“Why, did Kade shit himself?” she laughed. Dylan huffed loudly.  Eyebrows knitted together, “DO I NEED TO GET BOTTLES?”Jen rolled her eyes and shook her head as if he were crazy, “Don’t you think it’s too early to start drinking?  You just got up…”“IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR OVEN?”“I’M NOT BAKING ANYTHING, YOU MORON! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?”My God, you have surrounded me with idiots."