Humor

"A lot of people have it in for me. It's practically a school sport."

"We don't have dealings. He just stalks me. I'm popular like that."

"As a general rule, I preferred not to have my soul reaped."

"I’m sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to."

"I'm financially ugly."

"His long wait is almost done. I am sending Balon Swann to Sunspear, to deliver him the head of Gregor Clegane.” Ser Balon would have another task as well, but that part was best left unsaid.“Ah.” Ser Harys Swyft fumbled at his funny little beard with thumb and forefinger. “He is dead then? Ser Gregor?”“I would think so, my lord,” Aurane Waters said dryly. “I am told that removing the head from the body is often mortal."

"There’s been a lot written on the topic of minimalism. But I still believe in it."

"Ah, Proph." Tom paused. "You did have a nightmare last night."And here I thought maybe I dreamed it," Prophet muttered sarcastically."

"You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad."

"But nowhere in the file had anyone said, “Oh, and by the way, he runs like a gazelle with an espresso addiction.” At least not in the parts I’d skimmed."

"What time is it?”“One o'clock.”I nearly spit out some soda. “In theafternoon?”“No. In the morning. Don't let that damnsunlight fool you. It lies."

"He's crazy," Bruno said, twirling a finger in circles around the side of his head and whistling to indicate just how crazy he thought he was. "He went up to a cat on the street the other day and invited her over for afternoon tea." "What did the cat say" asked Gretel, who was making a sandwich in the corner of the kitchen. "Nothing." explained Bruno. "It was a cat."

"I realize you're planning on fighting all the dragons single-handedly-"I'm going to protect you from John, dammit. Show him that he can't fucking mess with you. This is about territory."Tom narrowed his eyes. "Are you going to piss a circle around me too"If that's what it takes."

"Whatever doesn't kill them, makes them make reality TV shows..."

"I swear to God, if Great Reads doesn't stop sending me these notification emails...how many times do I have to turn them off?"

"If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching."

"Yes", she said her voice dripping with sarcasm. "That's exactly what I'm saying, in fact let's try sex again." She leaped to her feet and torn open her jeans. "Maybe my magic vagina will cure you of all the traumatic acts my family has inflected on you."

"With a sense of humor like that, you could make a living as a garbage man anywhere in the country."

"Because seeing someone’s heart ripped out, presumably for the first time, is something a person should accept naturally, like finding out there’s no Santa Clause."

"Yeah, over my scattered panties, I asked him to dinner and told him to bring a friend.” - Laney"