Funny

"He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked."That's it"He looked up. "Sorry"Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town."It's got a car alarm."Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe"No. It's a pretty good car alarm."

"You bitch!"Why is it that whenever I draw blood, I'm a bitch?"

"I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn’t be more obvious about their territorial dispute if they’d both peed on me."

"Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees."

"Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children.”A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach.“Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me?"

"America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies."

"He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. “So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me?” No, she did not just say that. Did she?"

"I'll drive like my grandma. I'll drive like your grandma."You wouldn't say that if you knew my gramma."

"Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered."

"Halt regarded him. He loved Horace like a younger brother. Even like a second son, after Will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt an overwhelming desire to ram the young warrior's head against a convenient tree."You have no sense of drama or symbolism, do you" he asked."Huh" replied Horace, not quite understanding. Halt looked around for a convenient tree. Luckily for Horace, there were none in sight."

"CONFESSION NO. 18 Girls just want to have fun…and live to tell about it the next day."

"I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs."

"He'd barely seen me coming, and despite the horribleness of what I'd just done, I kind of wished one of my instructors had been there to grade me on such an awesome performance."

"Skulduggery."Fletcher."Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment."I'm sorry, what are we doing now"Shaking hands," Fletcher said. "Like adults. I just want you to know that this past year has changed me. I've grown, as a person. I'm not the same Fletcher you used to know."You look a lot like him."Well, yeah, but-"And you have the same ridiculous hair."Can we just shake hands"Of course we can," Skulduggery said, and they shook. "Now what"I, uh... I don't really know. What do adults usually do after they shake hands"Generally, the first thing they do is let go."Oh, right," Fletcher said, and Skulduggery took his hand back. "So, Skulduggery, how have you been? You're looking well. That's a really nice tie."It's blue."And such a nice shade."Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie. "You promised me he wouldn't be annoying."

"Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated."

"Please tell me this is easier to take off than it was to put on.”Calla raised a brow. “You do not think Master Kell knows how?"

"Suspicion," he said. "Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. He's a genius." "Starring Cary Grant." When Lucas gave me a look, I added, "You have your priorities, I have mine."

"Why is it beautiful that humanity keeps coming back? So does herpes."

"I hung up the phone, jubilant, and threw myself into a wall, then pretended to be getting electrocuted. I do this when I'm very happy."

"I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share."