Funny

"When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations."

"Ancient Chinese proverb,” he said, heading toward the kitchen.“He who butt-fucks all night wakes up with sore asshole."

"Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives."

"Shit," Delia said. "I mean, shoot. No, actually, I mean shit. I really do."

"A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her."

"His left eyebrow crept higher and higher as I told him the strange bits like the glowing letters and serpent staff. "Well, Sadie," Inspector Williams said. "You've got quite an imagination." "I'm not lying, Inspector. And I think your eyebrow is trying to escape." He tried to look at his own eyebrows, then scowled."

"You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far."

"Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick."

"Where did you meet?” he pressed on. I shrugged and considered a little rephrasing. “I was out for a run.”“From who?”I leaned back to take a long, very long, slow sip of that beer. Knox leaned forward. “I think we’re both bullsh*tting here, you ever play that card game?”“With my grandma, every Sunday after church."

"Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, "Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives."Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that?"

"Pops added,"you know, they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve."And if you do, you never get the results you expected," (Katherine) replied."

"Whoa, Rebecca," Talia said smiling even wider, "Walking on the wild side, are we"Raisa seemed to think the situation needed more explaining. "He - uh - I'm tutoring him."She is," Han said solemnly. "She's very good. I'm learning a lot."Pearlie snickered. "What's she teaching you"Well," Han said, "we're jumping around a lot."

"I am so tired, I can hardly type these worfs."

"Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit."

"If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday. I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened."

"Keep up," said an irritable voice in her ear. It was Jace, who had dropped back to walk beside her. "I don't want to have to keep looking behind me to make sure nothing's happened to you."So don't bother."Last time I left you alone, a demon attacked you," he pointed out. "Well, I'd certainly hate to interrupt your pleasant night stroll with my sudden death."He blinked. "There is a fine line between sarcasm and outright hostility, and you seem to have crossed it."

"Nicole can do anything that involves a ball and whistle."

"Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious. Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her.“Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily."

"The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge f"

"Sweetie, this is Hell. We invented paperwork."