Funny

"This social worker lassie turns round n gies us a stroppy look. Ah jist smiles bit she looked away aw fuckin nippy likes. Disnae cost nowt tae be social. A social worker thit cannae be fuckin social; that's nae good tae nae cunt, thon. Like a lifeguard thit cannae fuckin swim. Shouldnae be daein that kinday joab."

"Who is this repulsive dwarf?"

"His handsome face is suffused with rage. He stands before me shaking, then to my disgust, bursts into noisy tears; "I shall tell my mother of you!" he sobs and crashes out of the chamber"

"she shall scant show well that now shows best."

"Afore me! It is so very late,That we may call it early by and by."

"I took a bite of lobster meat with rice. It was quite tasty. 'Arguing the morality of slaughter will send you into a tailspin of self-loathing every time.' 'Unless you're a vegan.' 'Uh-huh. But then you're a vegan and you don't count."

"He was warm, partly because he had on many layers, and partly because boys whoa re part wolf and part wind do not get cold."

"Since when are you so 'faithful'? just a couple of years ago you would show up in your tight jeans and borrow our car to pick up one of your five girlfriends. You think that beard makes you a man of God?"

"Get off me you dirty turnip!" "Dirty turnip? well, pardon me Signor Cabbage-Head!"

"I'm one-half Cherokee, one-half Irish, one-half Turkish, one-half Australian and one-half Korean." "Excuse me, but that's five halves," said Maggie."

"Gone are the days when the old country doctor would drive out to your house and amputate your infected leg for a basket of goose eggs and a rhubarb pie."

"Captain Jibby looked at the door, clenched his teeth, and worked his face into a scowl so fierce you would think the door had insulted his mother - which, for the record, it had not."

"You sound like you're mentally deficient. And possibly Chinese."

"If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh?"

"I rolled my eyes, trying to keep my eyes off his body, just the sight of his abs or arms was enough to make me want to get naked and let Carlo take over anything he wanted."

"Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door... I'll pay for that!!! Since I'm here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!"

"You'd be surprised." Charlie said."You go to bed one night singing her a lullaby, and she wakes up listening to Limp Bizkit."What the hell is Limp Bizkit?"

"Katie purred in pleasure as she licked the beating vein in Jared’s neck."

"This was so unfunny, Steve had to laugh."

"Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!"