Craig Ferguson

"When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything."

"Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long day And you've got the sandman at your door. But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway. Its ok. You can always sleep through work tomorrow. Ok?Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday. Tell the clock on the wall, "Forget the wake up call."Cause the night's not nearly through. Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Give yourself a surprise. Let your worries wait another day. And if you stay too late at the bar,At least you made it out this far. So make up your mind and say, "Let's do it anyway!"Its Ok You can always sleep through work tomorrow, ok? Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday. Life's too short to worry about the things that you can live without And I regret to say, the morning light is hours away. The world can be such a fright, But it belongs to us tonight. What's the point of going to bed?You look so lovely when your eyes are red. Tomorrow's just your future yesterday."

"With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying."

"Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else."

"Oh Satan you're a wily one."

"I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it"

"Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket."

"I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist."

"The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree."

"I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians."

"The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight."

"It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear."

"You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex."

"Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'."

"I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps."

"People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid."

"I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable."