Erma Bombeck

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me."

"When God Created Mothers When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of overtime when the angel appeared and said. You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one. And God said, Have you read the specs on this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands. The angel shook her head slowly and said. Six pairs of hands... no way. It's not the hands that are causing me problems, God remarked, it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have. That's on the standard model? asked the angel. God nodded. One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word. God, said the angel touching his sleeve gently, Get some rest tomorrow... I can't, said God, I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower. The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. It's too soft, she sighed. But tough! said God excitedly. You can imagine what this mother can do or endure. Can it think? Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise, said the Creator. Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. There's a leak, she pronounced. I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model. It's not a leak, said the Lord, It's a tear. What's it for? It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride. You are a genius, said the angel. Somberly, God said, I didn't put it there."

"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."

"“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.”"

"I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes."

"Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you."

"I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."

"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other."

"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."

"Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time."

"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."

"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."

"Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids."

"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"Never have more children than you have car windows."

"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."

"All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."

"I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it."

"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."