Dorothy Parker

"“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”"

"Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye."

"Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life."

"She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go."

"Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studdedwheelchair."

"Why, that dog is practically a Phi Beta Kappa. She can sit up and beg, and she can give her paw -- I don't say she will but she can."

"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it."

"I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets... you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking."

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

"Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship."

"Hold your pen and spare your voice."

"I hate writing, I love having written."

"It costs me never a stab nor squirm / To tread by chance upon a worm. / Aha, my little dear, / I say, Your clan will pay me back one day."

"The Trifler Death's the lover that I'd be taking;Wild and fickle and fierce is he. Small's his care if my heart be breaking-Gay young Death would have none of me. Hear them clack of my haste to greet him!No one other my mouth had kissed. I had dressed me in silk to meet him-False young Death would not hold the tryst. Slow's the blood that was quick and stormy,Smooth and cold is the bridal bed;I must wait till he whistles for me-Proud young Death would not turn his head. I must wait till my breast is wilted. I must wait till my back is bowed,I must rock in the corner, jilted-Death went galloping down the road. Gone's my heart with a trifling rover. Fine he was in the game he played-Kissed, and promised, and threw me over,And rode away with a prettier maid."

"If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy."

"If I had a shiny gun I could have a world of fun Speeding bullets through the brains Of the folks that cause me pains :)"

"And there was that poor sucker Flaubert rolling around on his floor for three days looking for the right word."

"Why is it no one sent me yet one perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's always just my luck to get one perfect rose."

"Be you wise and never sad,You will get your lovely lad. Never serious be, nor true,And your wish will come to you--And if that makes you happy, kid,You'll be the first it ever did."

"She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B."