Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller

"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."
31 Quotes
"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."
Phyllis Diller
"A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once."
Phyllis Diller
"There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto."
Phyllis Diller
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
Phyllis Diller
"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron."
Phyllis Diller
"Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out."
Phyllis Diller
"It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core."
Phyllis Diller
"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
Phyllis Diller
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
Phyllis Diller
"Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."
Phyllis Diller
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
Phyllis Diller
"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."
Phyllis Diller
"Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves."
Phyllis Diller
"In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane."
Phyllis Diller
"Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
Phyllis Diller
"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."
Phyllis Diller
"The best contraceptive for old people is nudity."
Phyllis Diller
"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."
Phyllis Diller
"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge."
Phyllis Diller
✉️

Get more quotes like Phyllis Diller's — every morning.

Join thousands of wisdom seekers getting daily quotes from 300,000+ curated sources.

Free forever. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime.