Humor

"Pittsburgh did not smell of mayonnaise that day."

"You know Becky, you haven't been the same since that crowbar fell on your head." - - said to me by my mother after I eloped with a guy I'd known for about 30 days, when I was 18 years old!"

"So when people see me walking on the street, they feel like we're old pals. Women pull my cheeks and men clap me on the shoulder; I'm like a petting zoo. But movie stars, on the other hand, are much more untouchable. Those are people that you watch from afar. They're regal lions. I'm a friendly goat."

"Hollywood Rule:RULE #1: You only need a license to do three things in the film business: blow up a building, wash someone’s hair, or drive a truck. You need no license, certification, documentation, or, for that matter, any filmmaking experience to be a writer, producer, director, actor, or even a studio executive. All you need is money."

"Debbie Downer" was one of the few sketches where I broke, and I remember watching Heratio Sanz laugh so hard that tears squirted out of his eyes. I still believe that sketch may be a cure for low-level depression if watched regularly."

"The bassist -- always the bassist."

"Men ought to be a four-letter word! Menn!"

"You don't need everyone to like you, just the right one(s)!"

"I think, generally speaking, that children have a knack for picking up curse words. Having said that, my brother and I (although admittedly, it was I who displayed a higher level of fluency) took to cursing like frogs take to jumping. Mind you, we received excellent tutoring along the way."

"... A secure future seemed mapped out for me. Too secure, too mapped out. If I carried on in medicine, I realized I'd have a pretty good idea exactly what I'd be doing ten, twenty and even thirty years from that moment. It struck me like a halibut from the North Sea that that was not the way my life should go at all. What was the point of working on through the age of sixty-five and taking a chance on a better reincarnation next time?"

"I know that I'm crazy. And that has made all the difference." From: Furiously Happy: A funny book about horrible things."

"Even now, every job I get, I worry that it will be my last. I think becoming a washed-up hag is sort of my destiny. So if you see a wrinkled old bitch wearing a tattered fur and chain-smoking in an off-Broadway back alley...that’s just me. Starting four years from now."

"He clenched his small fist, bellowed his rage to the heavens, and resolved to never again recognize the authority of any man on earth."

"A garden is never finished. In that sense it is like the human world and all human undertakings."

"Disney will never make a movie about my life story, and that's a shame--I'd make a really cute animated creature."

"Just because you can, doesn't necessarily mean that you sh"

"Just because you can, doesn't necessarily mean that you should!"

"Oh my!! How you've grown. Soon you'll be catching the Lord's balls."

"You know Becky, you haven't been the same since that crowbar fell on your head." - spoken by my mother after I eloped with a guy I'd known for about a month, when I was 18 years old!"

"As an adult, getting paid thousands of dollars a week to say, “Aye, Sir. Course laid in” is a seriously sweet gig, but when I was a teenager, it sucked."