Humor

"I sneak quietly up the stairs and toward my door. It’s not very late, but I don’t want to arouse Cyclops Eye next door. I’ve stopped looking as I walk past, but it’s difficult not to notice her window open just a few inches and her sitting right next to it, ready at a moment’s notice to give me her big one-eyed look. Maybe I should get her a monocle for Christmas, so she can make more of a statement."

"The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone."

"I notice being noticed immediately – I’m a freeway goddess! In the past five minutes of gridlock, I have been checked out by a bald man in convertible Mustang, a cowboy in an F-150, and a body-builder in a Lincoln Navigator. Watch out road warriors! I don’t want to be responsible for any accidents. If only I had a car decal that advertised: Available – if you meet my eligibility criteria!"

"And Tria this is Vilenthe.” Tria just stares before collapsing onto the floor Ingra looks down “She'll be fine.” Vilenthe scowls “She has seen me before. Many years ago before I was selected for the 11th Tournament, she must've forgotten about that but we have met before."

"If by fawning, you mean he’s a deer, I have a gun, and it’s hunting season, then I guess you’re right."

"Everybody laughed for a long time, for it was the kind of joke that seemed to grow on you. You would laugh and eventually stop. But after a few minutes you would think of the joke again, and you would burst out laughing all over again."

"At any rate I'd better be getting out of the wood, for really its coming on very dark. Do you think it's going to rain'Tweedledum spread a large umbrella over himself and his brother, and looked up into it.'No, I don't think it is,' he said: 'at least - not under here. Nohow.''But it may rain outside''It may - if it chooses,' said Tweedledee: 'we've got no objection. Contrariwise."

"Aren't you sometimes frightened at being planted out here, with nobody to take care of you''There's the tree in the middle,' said the Rose:'what else is it good for''But what could it do, if any danger came' Alice asked.'It could bark,' said the Rose."

"If I could go back and say one thing to my younger self it would be: YOU ARE NOT FAT."

"Tria finally slumped to the ground “I swear I'm sick of falling into pits and swamps...” “Hey, upside is you're not dead yet so win win.” Ingra said cheerfully."

"How is it you can talk so nicely' Alice said, hoping to get it into a better temper by a compliment. 'I've been in many gardens before, but none of the flowers could talk.''Put your hand down, and feel the ground,' said the Tiger-lily. 'Then you'll know why.'Alice did so. 'It's very hard,' she said, 'but I don't see what that has to do with it.''In most gardens,' the Tiger-lily said, 'they make the beds too soft - so that the flowers are always asleep."

"Etiquette tip: If you're looking for the right time to leave a party, when the host yells, "No one leaves here alive," that's your cue."

"Stop your idiocy, Sandra, please. For once in your death."

"Worn over the man’s head like a deranged bank robber is a pair of pink cotton panties."

"One of the many downsides to being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is real."

"Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended."

"One of the comics said he thought I was talented but wouldn't ever make it as a stand-up. It hurt. Looking back now, I can see clearly how experienced comics get bitter. It's a tough business, and often things don't work out the way you think they will. But rage and jealousy comics can feel for others' success is a highly toxic waste of time."

"Hello and welcome to this collection of calls put together specifically to embarrass the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Now you’ll hear us tackle the very pillars of science: physics, chemistry, fluid dynamics and, of course, cream rinse."

"Our specialty was exasperated dignity and the discombombulation of Authority."

"It turns out that we’re not the only ones who go out on a scientific limb as we discuss or attempt to discuss cars, car repairs and scientific education in America today."